Hi it’s Wednesday that means it’s time. for another video edition of widower. Wednesday I’m able keo author of dating. a widower and today we’re going to. discuss red flags to watch for when. dating a widow when dating a widower and. today we’re actually going to discuss. five specific red flags there’s probably. a lot of small red flags these are kind. of bigger red flags and if you see these. in your widow or relationship and. they’re not getting better or improving. it’s probably a sign that the widower. really isn’t ready for a serious. relationship he’s not ready to move on. and he’s probably maybe just using you. to fill a hole in his heart so we’re. we’re going to talk about these five. things these five big red flags and then. again how you can know you know is this. something you should be worried about or.
Is it something that he can work through. and improve upon so the first red flag. is that the widower hides you from his. family and friends and I’m gonna tell a. little personal story here first of all. I want to say I understand why widowers. are hesitant to especially if this is. their first time dating after the loss. of a spouse I understand I really. understand why they’re hesitant to. introduce them to a family and friends. especially if they’ve been dating. especially if they’re dating and it’s. pretty recent after their late wife‘s. passing. a lot of it is is that friends and. family they aren’t on necessary this. they aren’t maybe moving on as fast as. the widower they may still be grieving. there’s may be other issues there and. it’s really easy to be hesitant to. introduce you to of to family and. friends I get it I understand but it’s.
Step that needs to be done and that’s. actually a step that isn’t that hard. once the widowers really ready to move. on and is really into you and is really. in love with you so let me give you an. example from my life so I started dating. maybe three or four months after the. late wife passed away didn’t tell. anybody I was dating by the way so it. was just a big secret didn’t had no. friends no no what no a family that knew. this was back in the early days of. online dating as being meeting some. women you know on these very early. dating sites you know what we were. emailing each other or messaging each. other and you know eventually we’d go. out and get in go out on a date but. nobody knew I was doing this and so. after I dated a while actually I got. into a longdistance relationship with a. girl with a woman sorry.
That lived that lived in Phoenix Arizona. and and we got and we got kind of. serious and I kind of flew down there. twice in a way a longdistance. relationship for me was actually kind of. a perfect thing at the time because you. know I could talk to her on the phone or. I could kind of you know but I didn’t. have to spend a lot of time with her and. I could kind of you know kind of keep. her a hidden it in a way but after a. while you know she you know I’d flown. down to Phoenix a couple times she. wanted to fly to Utah and she wanted to. spend some time with me and I was like. okay that’s great and I was actually. excited for her to come up but because I. lived pretty close to my parents house I. knew there was no way that I could nurse. I there was no way that she could come. over and spend some time with me I think.
She was she wasn’t three or four days. with me there was no way she could spend. that time with me and not have someone. at my parents house notice or you know. there was friends and family who lived. in the area there was just no way that I. could you know keep her keep her hidden. from the world so to speak so and so. anyway a few days before she threw up I. went and kind of told my mom I’m almost. washing the dishes and I’m just kind of. sitting there talking to her I said oh. yeah by the way hey there’s a girl from. Phoenix that I’ve kind of been dating. for a while and I’m she’s coming up and. you know we’re gonna spend a couple days. together over this I think it was like. the 4th of July holiday and you know my. mom’s like what you’re dating you know. she’s in shock everybody’s in shock and. anyway said yeah you know just kind of.
Just so you know if you see someone over. there that’s who it is I’ll probably. bring them bring her over and introduce. you and you know really just awkward. conversation I wasn’t really I didn’t. really want to do it but I was forced to. do it I was forced to do it because she. was coming up and there you know it. wasn’t like I lived thirty miles away. from friends and family and didn’t have. to worry about any of this stuff she was. gonna be right there and my family’s. gonna be having activities so I was. forced to do it not because I wanted to. do what I was forced to it was a big. difference okay you’re gonna see in a. second so I did it cuz I was forced to. and she came up and you know it was okay. it was a it was a good time my family. wasn’t it wasn’t especially fond of her. I actually tried to spend the longest.
Time possible away from my family when. she was there we went out and did other. things and I just tried to keep her away. from the family. so go about a month or so later and. get serious with marathon girl and and. it finally gets to the point and III. think my parents knew that we were kind. of dating but you know I think at that. point they just kind of resigned. themselves maybe stay out of my life a. little bit and just kind of let me do. whatever it was I was gonna do because I. don’t think they understood it but am i. but then once marathon girl and I got. serious and I realized that there was. something here I wanted to take her over. and introduce her to my mom and my dad. and my brothers and my sisters and my. friends and my family there was no. hesitation about doing it and so you. wonder well what’s the difference well.
The difference wasn’t yeah I mean it’d. only been like 3045 days maybe from the. time that this girl from Phoenix came. over and from the time I was dating. marathon girls so really wasn’t like a. long time frame where I had time to. process my grief I was still kind of. messed up on the inside but the. difference was the person and there was. something about marathon girl that was. special and wonderful and perfect and I. was so crazy in love with her I didn’t. care I honestly didn’t care what others. thought but this first girl the girl. from Phoenix. I cared what they what my mom thought I. care about what what my dad thought and. at the time I thought well it’s because. you know they’re still grieving I don’t. know what I’m doing they’re gonna be. thinking I’m dating too soon and all of. all those excuses with marathon girl.
They went out the window I didn’t care. if people thought I was dating too soon. I’d wanted to spend the rest of my life. with marathon girl I didn’t want to. spend it with anybody else and I could. care less what anybody thought and so it. wasn’t necessarily you know it wasn’t a. change in me necessarily it was a change. in a person I was dating and so that’s. why I’m bringing it back that if the. widow was very hesitant to hide you from. family and friends and I’m again I. there’s I don’t you know if he if this. if this isn’t this hard for him to do I. in a way there’s maybe a little bit of. wiggle room in there but I mean this. shouldn’t if he’s like not doing it if. he’s making excuses not to invite you to. parties or to have I mean I’ve had. pyrius Lee I’ve had women email me who. say I had to go hide in the closet when.
Some friends and family came over. because the widow were so ashamed no no. he should not be ashamed he should he. should want to you know whatever it is. put your relationship out there on. Facebook and let the world know about it. and he honestly shouldn’t care what. other people think now if he. as little kids and I’m talking minor. kids here I think is maybe okay to be a. little bit cautious about introducing. you know you to the to the minor kid. maybe his minor children tell he’s maybe. a little bit more certain but this. certainly shouldn’t be a sure certainly. shouldn’t go on for years and years. which I’ve had people email me and say. that well it’s you know it’s been years. I still haven’t still met anybody no no. no no a couple months I get maybe but. years no and I’m talking about kids here. but I mean you should be part of his.
Life you should feel like you’re part of. his life and not some mistress that he’s. hiding from people so that’s the big. that’s the first big red flag about. hiding you from family and friends you. shouldn’t do it he should he should. embrace you embrace the relationship and. move forward the second red flag I see. is that is that is that you remind him. of its late wife and so I get it people. have a type I mean I have a type there. are similar physical characteristics. between marathon girl and my late wife. not a lot but I mean there’s just there. a type and there and there and there. kind of there so there’s nothing wrong. with necessarily having a similar type. but it’s different if he’s looking for a. specific set of behaviors or wants you. to act a certain way or have other. similarities as the late wife that’s a.
Big red flag what the dangerous there is. that he’s not looking for you and not. wanting to love you for who you all are. but he’s wanting you to be somebody else. so if you can feel like you you can be. yourself around him dress the way that. you want to round him I don’t know do. your hair makeup anything else like that. the way that you want to do it and not. the way he wants you to do it then then. you know then that’s fine but the but. the but the bigger concern is is that. you know is that he’s trained you know. he’s treated really training you into. you know his late wife 2.0 and he wants. you to act a certain way or do with. certain things or he’s constantly saying. hey you should dress like this or do. like this because it’s something that. his late wife did so again not necessary. that you remind him of the late wife.
Isn’t a big concern but if he’s but if. you if you have it’s not it’s not just. look if you act similar to her if you. got others you know maybe interests and. and things like that my suggestion is to. really be cautious because he can. because again you know you you want the. widower to love you and want you for who. you are. not for who he wants you to be or who he. thinks you should be you’ve just got to. be able to to be yourself so if you see. some things out there where maybe he’s. not he wants you to act or address or do. things that aren’t necessarily in your. nature something you don’t want to do. that’s a big red flag and my advice is. to get out of that relationship quickly. the third red flag is kind of along that. line is that he constantly compares you. to the late wife and so I’m again I’m. gonna be a little bit uh a little bit.
Honest here it’s natural especially if. you’ve been in a you know a marriage a. big loving relationship and you get into. a new relationship guys are gonna. mentally compare different things that’s. not necessarily a bad thing I know when. I was dating marathon girl and you know. she did things a certain way and in my. mind I’m thinking I’m not used to things. being done this way I might used to you. know whatever I don’t know cooking the. noodles that the this way or just so you. know in my mind I was running through a. list of comparisons and it wasn’t. necessary that I was saying that. marathon girl was doing it better or. worse than the late wife or the late. wife did things better or worse in my. mind it was an adjustment okay so the. fact that they’re comparing you in their. mind is a necessary big thing it’s you.
Know they’re just trying to adjust and. figure things out while you do things. that’s what you like this music my wife. liked this music or whatever that’s not. necessarily the that’s not necessarily a. big flag because they’re all gonna do it. what what the big red flag is is if he’s. verbalizing it and verbalizing it all. the time so I don’t know whatever you’re. sitting down to dinner let’s say you’ve. made some spaghetti and he’s like well. you know the late wife I always put. cheese in the sauce there’s no cheese in. the sauce or hey you know maybe you’re. driving by somewhere or you know no you. want to go on vacation to New York or LA. or somewhere and he’s like yeah you know. when the late wife I went there we did. this and this and that and so it’s the. constant verbal comparisons because of. eventually he’s gonna stop making those.
Comparison I mean if he’s ready to move. on he’s gonna stop making those. comparisons in his head it’ll it might. take him a few months but he’s finally. gonna settle in and say okay this is a. different person I’m used to the way. that she’s doing things in the way she. whatever the way that she you know the. way that she dresses the way that she. talks the things that she likes to do. and it’s not necessarily a comparison. he’s just he’s just gone in and accept. you for who you are but I’ve had emails. and lots of emails where the big concern. is is that he’s constantly comparing the. woman he’s dating to the late wife it’s. a I mean is its constant he always says. well she did things this way and she did. this she liked this and you know if he’s. constantly doing stuff like that. no no he’s not ready to move on he’s.
There’s something in his mind that. stopping him from accepting you for who. you are and he just he just can’t. process it and I’m not saying I know. well I know what the answer is to this. problem but I’m saying you need to. really back out of that relationship if. there’s that constant comparison going. on and and especially if it’s a verbal. one cuz you can you you don’t know what. he’s thinking you don’t know really you. know what’s going on inside his head and. just like he doesn’t know what’s going. on inside your head but when those when. those comparisons become verbal and he’s. constantly doing it it’s a problem it’s. an issue you need to get it addressed. the the the next big red flag is is that. there are visible shrines the late wife. everywhere so again I’m gonna preface. this by saying the first time you walk.
In his house if you see pictures of his. late wife everywhere again not. necessarily a big deal because you may. be the first person he’s ever brought. home he may not have been in a serious. relationship before but the issue is is. when these shrines don’t come down. that’s the issue is that you know. whatever you’ve been dating three or. four months you’re pretty serious and. you go to his house and nothing’s. changed right he’s still there’s still. pictures of the late wife everywhere you. can’t go anywhere in the house without. be about being reminded really that it’s. her house so when marathon girl came to. my house the first time guess what I had. pictures up I had stuff up you know was. there shrines to her so to speak yeah. there was there was stuff up but they. didn’t last very long once I realized. that marathon girl wasn’t comfortable in.
The house but though I needed to make. changes I slowly started taking that. stuff away and probably I don’t know I’d. say two three months after we had been. started I started dating and she could. pretty much go anywhere in the house and. there you know then the pictures had. gone down there’s I think there was a. picture of us up somewhere like on a. coffee table or something I tried to. make it a place where she was. where she could feel comfortable so so. if the widow works ready to move on you. know again he may not realize that’s. making you uncomfortable you may need to. have the conversation of hey you know. there’s pictures everywhere makes me. feel uncomfortable once he becomes. cognizant of that he should make steps. to actually go through and take stuff. down when he leaves stuff stopped and. won’t change things that’s a sign that.
He’s not ready to go on because honestly. if he has that stuff up I mean here’s. the thing about shrines and pictures and. visual reminders is that they tend to. pull you back they tend to pull pull. widowers back into the past and it’s. just kind of a natural thing see a. picture of you know a vacation or. something you kind of go back home was a. great time you see pictures of people. you see things the way they are it. hinders you from moving forward so again. it’s not the fact that the shrines are. up it’s the fact that he’s not taking. the shrines down that are the the the. big red flag here the final and last big. red flag is that is that basically he. has a hard time communicating with you. and again the fact that he maybe has a. hard time at first communicating with. you isn’t necessarily a red flag I go.
Back to my first days of dating marathon. girl the her personality my late wife’s. personality are very different in fact. they’re packed 180 degrees late wife was. very outgoing very vivacious marathon. girls very quiet and reserved and so one. of the things I had to learn was how to. communicate her and that the ways I. communicated with my late wife did not. work with her in fact sometimes they’d. really turned her off and so there has. to be that way that he can go in there. and learn how to communicate with you. and you with him I mean cuz let’s face. it it’s a new relationship you have. different ways of dude doing things. different styles and it takes work. whether you’re in a widower really. relationship or not but in some cases. for the widow where it might be a little. bit harder because he’s been in this.
Serious relationship where he still kind. of loves that person and making that. adjustment can be can be tricky at times. so he has learned to tell you that he. loves you he has to learn um you know to. be able to talk to you and say look this. is how I’m doing it having a bad day I’m. having a good day and find out a way. that he can you know Express that and do. things like that so he’ll they’ll find a. way to learn to it so if he’s really. into you he’ll figure out a way to learn. to communicate with you may not be. perfect but he’ll make progress and. improvement and that’s what you’re. looking for is progress and improvement. you know we’re all we’re all not perfect. we’re all gonna make mistakes and making. them making a mistake is fine the issue. is if we make that same mistake over and. over again not looking to address that.
That’s that’s really the big big problem. so so watches actions. you know watches actions see how he’s. treating you is he treating you the way. that you want to be treated is he trying. to make progress to make you the number. one person in his life and you know what. you’re gonna have to accept things for. as they are and I guess my final piece. is advises if you see these red flags. and they’re not changing and again you. know I’m not saying you see a red flag. you just turn it and run away the issue. is you got to address this red flag and. see if he’s willing to actually make. that change you’ve got to give them that. choice the choice is are you gonna do. things the way that you’ve always been. doing them or are we going to make some. some changes here and do things that are. good for the that are best for our.
Relationship and he has to choose you he. has to choose you know it’s choosing the. future or choosing the past so again. it’s not the big deal if he has the red. flags as if is is he overcoming the red. flag that’s really what you gotta look. for if he’s hesitant to introduce you to. your family to his family or friends si. look this is insulting to me I felt like. a mistress you know worded how you want. but that’s really what you’re saying is. hey you know I feel like a mistress here. I want to meet your family and friends. okay he’s gonna then good then has to. make that choice as he value the. feelings of his family and friends over. your feelings and if he values your. feelings more you’re gonna get. introduced that’s just like with the. pictures of his late wife it’s gonna be. hey you know I come into your house it.