Hi it’s Wednesday that means it’s time. for another video edition of widow or. Wednesday I’m Mabel Keough author of. dating a widower and today we’re going. to discuss what you should do when a. widowed war breaks up with you I’ve been. doing these relationships I’ve been. guiding women in relationships with. widowers for well over a decade now and. unfortunately I’d say most relationships. with the widower come to an end they. don’t work out and if you want a. percentage I’d say it’s probably. somewhere in the range of 60 to 70. percent of relationships with where the. words don’t work out it’s not. necessarily a bad thing not all. relationships are meant to be oh and. we’ll be discussing that today but. oftentimes when it doesn’t work out I. get a lot of questions of the women who. were dating where the words wondering.
Why why it didn’t work out and really. comes down to is yes especially have. questions if the widower and things. usually if there are ending things you. know there’s reasons for they’ve been. putting up with you know whatever. pictures on the wall him not being able. to move on and start a new chapter or. you know I don’t know posted on Facebook. throughout place wipers usually when a. woman ends things you know she. understands why that’s happening and. there’s been and honestly pretty much. every time she has a good reason for it. for anything the widow wars not willing. to really what it boils down to is the. widowers not willing to make her number. one in his life and that’s pretty much. the reason why women and things most of. the time but with with widowers and with. men it’s a little bit different so I’m.
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Gonna set up two scenarios for you where. I can talk about how widowers end. relationships and what the reaction is. afterwards and then and then we’re going. to talk about how you should handle. these these breakups because I found. that a lot of times women you know they. just think that the widow was grieving. and you know maybe if he comes back. he’ll stop creeping or something like. that and generally that’s not the case. so we’ll discuss what you can do in. order to save yourself from future. heartache. so let me setup the first scenario for. you you’ve been dating a widower again. it could be for a month it could be for. a year and suddenly things come crashing. to an end the widower ends things. says hey I’m done we’re not doing this. anymore and then you find out maybe a. few days later a few weeks later that.
He’s dating someone else and he’s just. out there you know in the dating world. again and I mean let’s be honest this. can be a heartbreaking experience. because you’ve invested time you’ve. invested emotions into this relationship. and the widowers out there just acting. like hey you know all’s good in the. world and so I often get questions from. women in this situation asking if they. should wait around or if the weather was. gonna change his mind and I’m gonna be. completely honest with you if the. widowers out there dating again. he’s not coming back and if he is coming. back he’s gonna want sex or something. like that he’s not coming back because. he wants you if he’s out there dating. again he’s he’s moved on and I know. that’s kind of hard to understand but. the way men think and the way men. operate is that once they pretty much.
Ended a relationship and they’re out. dating again they’re not thinking about. the past and then a relationship and. what could have worked out they don’t. approach the subject the same way that. women do and you know he he ended the. relationship you know there could be a. hundred reasons why he ended it but. really what it boils down to is he felt. he was in the relationship for the wrong. reasons or you know there wasn’t. something wasn’t clicking and he’s out. dating again. and it’s kind of a you know it’s kind of. a blunt and tough way to look at it but. you know men have a way I’m just kind of. compartmentalizing and moving on you. know I’m not proud of this but if you’ve. read room for two or some of my dating. guides you’ll know that I was in you. know the first serious relationship I. was in after after I was widowed I.
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Abruptly ended it and you know started. dating a marathon girl you know in that. relationship just to give you some. background on that you know we had. started dating or we it was a it was it. was started out as a longdistance. relationship. we started pretty much talking on the. phone like once a week and then it got. more frequent pretty soon it was 2 or 3. times a week then pretty much we were. talking every night and then kind of we. became a couple and while I was dating. this woman you know I’d fly down to. Phoenix she’d fly up to us all. like you know while I was dating her and. talking with her I’ll be honest I never. felt good about the relationship and I. mean that in terms of the the. relationship never felt right I liked. her and she was a good person but. something in the relationship didn’t. feel right to me and it wasn’t till.
Later that I realized it’s because I was. in the relationship for the wrong reason. but at the time is like hey you know I. got someone to talk to I got someone to. do this but I was totally in the. relationship because you know I’m I. needed someone to fill the hole in my. heart and my gut was telling me that and. then you know I met marathon girl and. realized that marathon girl I didn’t. feel that way and you know one day I. kind of I called up this other girl I. was dating and I just said hey you know. I’m dating someone else and it’s over. and you know understandably she was. heartbroken you know she was very. distraught can’t say I’m proud of the. way I you know the you know that I. handled everything and you know that I. got into a relationship that I couldn’t. have but once I ended things. and I was focused on marathon girl I’ll.
You know I think I think the bad. feelings that we once had towards each. other you know are gone but but you have. to understand how just how how men think. if they’re out there date again you’ve. just got it they’re not thinking about. you they’re not wondering what you are. you know what you’re doing and you’ve. got to stop beating yourself up over. this you’ve got you can’t sit there in. this relationship and. you know you can’t sit there in this in. this in this breakup I guess and b.o.b. overthinking things and have a you know. plate and stop playing mind games with. yourself is just anything like that is. just gonna make it worse. and I know you may not understand why he. broke up you may want a reason and an. explanation and to be honest I don’t. know if the widower could even do that. if you can give you an explanation.
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Because you know if it’s a other girl. was to ask me why I dumped her dated. Marathon horizon well you know the. relationship didn’t feel right well what. does that mean well it wasn’t till later. I could maybe explain what that meant. but then the weeks and months afterwards. I couldn’t have told you what that meant. so if you know if he’s out there dating. again the best thing you can do is. forget for you know forgive and forget. and move on with your life the second. thing that generally happens when a. little war ends things is that at some. point he comes crawling back and I’d say. in both these cases I’d say half the. time the little war breaks up and he’s. off dating and doing something else and. the other half the time he breaks up and. maybe a week later sometimes even a few. days later you might text or call back.
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And say oh you know we should get back. together and so I get questions from. women asking well should I get back. together with him what does this mean. and my general advice is don’t get back. together with him he broke up for the. same reasons that the other guy did. who’s out there dating again is that. something’s not right in the. relationship or it could be that he’s. not ready for a relationship at this. time he’s still grieving he’s still. doing that but generally the reason. widowers comeback is because they’re. lonely and it’s not just the loneliness. of I’m single it’s the same loneliness. that got them dating again is that with. men there’s a big hole in their heart. when they lose their wife there’s this. huge gap this huge cavern in their heart. and they want to feel it and that’s why. they start dating so fast again after.
They lose a wife and so you know they. get into a relationship you know again. maybe with good intentions but it’s not. the right relationship for them and they. end it and they go back to their widowed. life so to speak and they’re alone or. you know probably not a lot of people in. it and they realize this life kind of. sucks and you know what it does suck. and they say well you know I can just go. back and I can be with someone so again. it’s old you know we’ll try to fill you. out and say hey you know I’m sorry. whatever let’s get back together. but 95% of the time the reason that. they’re doing that is because they’re. looking for companionship not a. relationship they want someone to be. there and someone they can talk to maybe. someone to help out with the kids if. they have look if they have kids at home.
You know want the occasional sex or. whatever it is that he’s looking forward. to helping fill that void he’s not. interested in a relationship with you. okay it’s just not and some you know. people say well if I give him whatever. six months to grieve will he be back I. don’t put yourself in that trap because. it takes if he was ready if you were the. right person for him he figures. something out and he’d figure out a way. to make it work that’s just the way it. is I you know I’m sitting here I’m. trying to think the best way to explain. this but with marathon girl I just knew. it was right I knew she was the right. person and you know I I figured out a. way to get over my grief I figured out a. way to do what I needed to do to open my. heart with her and start a new chapter. it wasn’t like that with the first girl.
That I was in a serious relationship. with you know I used my grief as a. crutch and I some excuse for all kinds. of things it was really kind of crappy. behavior I kind of you know looking back. at it I’m like I’m ashamed today you. know that I did it I wish would have had. a video like this explaining to me what. was going on in my mind so I really I. don’t it’s not a good idea to get back. with someone because if he really felt. if he was really ready to move on with. you he’d figure out a way to do it he’d. figure out a way to show you through his. actions that he loves you and when he. comes crawling back to you a week or so. later. honestly emotionally nothing’s changed. he just realized that he’s he’s just. realized that life without someone in it. sucks and he’s not really concerned at. this point is this a longterm.
Relationship he’s just looking to. temporarily end the heartache and to end. the emptiness. side of him another thing that I hear is. that you know is that he’ll come back. and say well we can just be friends okay. this is the oldest freakin trick in the. book. don’t fall for this especially if you’ve. had a romantic relationship before and. it’s it’s it’s it’s it’s impossible to. just be friends and I’m sorry but it is. hard truth I know that you can see. movies where that works out or whatever. but it’s impossible to be friends and if. he’s if he’s using the let’s just be. friends line what he’s hoping is is that. he can get enough companionship out of. the relationship that maybe he gets some. romantic some to some off and on. romantic stuff to don’t fall for it. again if he’s ready to move on you’ll. know he’s ready to move on by his.
Actions he won’t have to sit there and. say oh I’m coming back I’m sorry let’s. be friends so no matter how the widower. ends it whether whether he’s you know. just broke things off and is dating. again and his cut off contact or whether. he comes crawling back to you you know. looking for a second chance you know the. best thing that you can do for yourself. in these things is just to stand up for. yourself and say no say you know what. you had your chance it didn’t work out. I’m sorry it didn’t work out but I’m not. letting you come back in my life you. know I’m gonna move on with my life. that’s something you need to do as well. and I think you can leave it and leave. it at that you’ve got to understand that. having what will resonate and excuse me. what will resonate with men and widowers. if they see you getting all emotional if.
They see you do me you know if they see. if they sense any kind of weakness and. they’re just looking to get back into. some kind of companionship relationship. they will exploit that weakness the best. that they can but if you just stand up. for yourself and say hey you know what. you had your chance sorry it’s over that. will resonate more with the widower than. any tears or anything else if he knows. you’re serious and done that will force. him to really taking a County maybe of. how he treated you and stuff like that. basically you need to do what’s best for. you and not what’s best for the widower. you can’t do anything to heal a widower. that’s something that the widower has to. do. himself you can be a reason that he goes. out there in desert but there’s nothing. you can say there’s nothing you can do. that’s gonna that’s gonna heal his heart.
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It’s something he has to do and so don’t. get back with it whether we’re stand up. for you do what’s best for you and. what’s best for you can meet a lot of. different things to a lot of different. people that it should not involve the. widower. in your life the best thing you can do. is move on and forget about them and if. you’re looking to date or you’re looking. you know for a serious relationship. find someone that’s gonna treat you the. way you want to be treated find someone. that’s gonna that’s gonna treat you like. a like a queen and put you on a pedestal. find someone that’s gonna slay dragons. for you and walk a thousand miles. barefoot over shards of glass or swim. across the ocean I’d do any of that for. marathon girl I would have done it when. we’re dating and I do it now I would do. anything for her okay and she doesn’t.
Have to put on tears or don’t you love. me kind of thing it’s like she knows. that I love her cuz I will sacrifice and. I will do what it takes and if the. widower is serious and ready about a. relationship he won’t be breaking up. with you and dating other people. he won’t come crawling back to you he’ll. put you first and you’ll know that. you’re first and it may not be smooth. and you know 100 percent perfect all the. time but you’ll know when he’s ready so. don’t waste your time with a widow where. if he’s ending things there’s he’s he. may not be able to explain why he’s. ended them but he’s ended them for a. reason and the best thing you can do is. take a step back look at the situation. and move on that’s the best thing you. can do for you it’s also the best thing. you can do for him thanks for watching.