Hello everyone this is Steven Hernandez. again and this is gonna be a. relationship marriage and relationship. video haven’t done one of those in a. while. and as the American holidays are. approaching and as many people are. perhaps dreading and conversation with. their friends and family about the. relationship status I thought it’d be a. great time to talk about what I call a. missionary dating this is a term that I. had learned years and years and years. ago when I was doing a marital. relationship workshop and I have to be. at a church I believe and this is. something I think many people will when. I explain what it is will will make. sense of that missionary dating is that. specific kind of person that behavior. pattern that people get into not. necessarily about dating per se like I. don’t wanna get hung up on that on that.
Particular term but what it means is. that you see Sica fixeruppers you find. people and you see you see the best in. them you see the potential there but. perhaps only you see it and you see. someone who could maybe sort of one day. be what you want and what you need and. you’re gonna throw yourself at them and. you’re gonna do all the emotional. sometimes physical uh all kind of ünzile. labor to make them be what you know they. can be or what you see they can be and. this is a more often than not it’s been. my experience that it’s women they get. into this into this habit into this. behavior and all joking aside it can. become very dangerous and opens the. doors to many bad things unfortunately. why it’s called missionary dating or you. know ordained you fixeruppers is it. because it involves two people usually.
And one person sees an opportunity to. save the other person perhaps they are. dealing with addiction. perhaps they are unhappy in their life. perhaps they’re in a depressive episode. whathave-you and again not knocking. anyone who’s who’s in those situations. but you you’re in a position where. you’re very high up if you will in terms. of you know where you see yourself or. where you might be and you are trying to. bring up the other person in in all. kinds of different ways so that could be. like you are gainfully employed you’re. you’re very financially sound so you you. meet someone and do you feel that they. could be an artist performer you know. they can be successful at our business. and you give them a lot of money you. give them a lot of resources notice the. term I’m using here you you you are the. engine you’re the one who’s driving at.
These kinds of things and perhaps in a. way that they can’t or won’t do for. themselves and that’s the important. qualifier and again it can be all kinds. of different things it can be someone. who you see perhaps you’re very active. in your faith okay whatever that faith. may be that’s where I said I heard the. term first in the church and let’s say. you meet someone who you may be very. physically or spiritually attracted to. someone but they don’t practice the. faith that you hold they’re very. strongly to your heart but you want to. save them this is missionary dating. right so you start bringing them to the. church to the mosque to the synagogue. and you’re trying to you know encourage. them to adopt a lifestyle that you feel. very strongly about and again notice. that term again you you are driving this. and uh the the big problem the danger.
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The risk to the heart mind soul and the. body of some engages in this is that it. means especially if you’re doing more. than fifty percent seventy five to a. hundred percent of the emotional and. otherwise labor in the relationship what. that means is that you can’t ever have a. bad day you understand what I’m saying. if the person that you’re with is always. down is always sad is always disengaged. is always you know a dollar short it is. not is not happy in their life it’s not. happy. career is not happy and you’re always. the one who’s doing that is bringing the. energy up suggesting ideas covering the. costs hustling out there whatever it may. be and they’re not doing that you are. enabling a situation where you are doing. that 100% of the time. and that means you can ever have a bad. day what that means is that you can’t be.
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Sad you can’t be tired you can’t be sick. because you’re providing a situation. where people who do have codependent or. even abusive tendencies can take. advantage of that situation often you’ll. get in situations where perhaps the. sexual aspect of the relationship will. start very early on because there might. be a really strong attraction there for. whatever reason but then as their life. starts to change perhaps they do start. to make moves you know press there’s a. there becomes an imbalance in the. relationship and becomes that they feel. that evoke that they evolved past you. and so many people have been hurt by. this you know like you know maybe they. did nothing with their business for. years and years and years then you open. up your black book you make connections. for them you give them that start of.
Money you you worked you know nights. there when they couldn’t hire someone so. you worked for free you did their books. whatever it may be and then they start. to get some traction then they start to. have some success well then all of a. sudden they feel like they don’t need. you and then you’re left alone you’re. left hurt you’re left confused well why. would they are they not grateful to me. and I believe it’s because you. oftentimes in this situations you’re. setting up a situation where there’s a. there’s imbalance you were kind of. handing out everything to them and that. could be mental labor that could be. sexual activity that can be emotional. labor as I said that can be financial. and a term that you’re gonna start. hearing you use all the time is sliding. in versus deciding right. when you’re a situation where you’re.
Sliding versus deciding if someone. really wants to build their business and. you see them doing that work and they’re. not having success but they’re out there. all the time they’re working it they’re. making phone calls they’re trying to get. investors they’re working on their. business plan that’s different than. someone who’s talking a lot about their. business talking about this dream that. they have etc so when you’re in a. situation like that your reward you’re. putting yourself on the line you’re. putting your heart on the line you’re. putting your soul on the line you’re. putting your body on the line because. you are essentially sending up the idea. that don’t worry you might be at 45% you. might be a 50% of what I want you to be. right now but that’s okay because I know. I believe that you will be where I want.
You to be at some indeterminate point in. the future right this is all Slimers of. deciding thing that you’re essentially. writing them a blank check to be who. they are for as long as they want to in. the hope that someday they will be the. person you need or you want them to be. so that’s really kind of unfair actually. to both of you but I think it should go. without saying it’s a very dangerous. situation to be in. so a couple things just to check. yourself and to really look out for if. you are earned in these situations first. and foremost are you in a relationship. with some where you feel like you’re. compromising significant important. things for yourself for example if it’s. very important for you that you know you. share bills you have a coequal spending. plan or what have you but you’re with. someone who can’t or won’t.
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Shoulder an equal or equal to you. financial burden that’s red flag if you. feel you’re doing all the emotional. labor and they can’t or won’t. reciprocate the same to you when you. need it that’s a red flag if you feel. yeah you can’t be open with yourself. with your feelings with your thoughts. and dreams your fears and anxieties. because you’re afraid of offending them. or driving that way that’s a red flag. that you might be in. a missionary dating relationship or an. unequal emotional relationship if you. find that you are investing a lot of. time money and effort into their dreams. but they refuse they can’t or won’t do. the same for you that’s another red flag. that you’re in one these situations it’s. been my experience that if you’ve done. this one or two times so you’ve probably. done it much more often not just with.
Your romantic partners press with your. friends or even your family members as. well there’s often a pattern there. spoiler alert usually it means that. you’re a wonderful wonderful person you. have a giving spirit you want to help. people you see the best in people that’s. a wonderful thing but people can and. will take advantage of that and you must. be careful about it so I highly. recommend that you guard your heart that. you understand that you really should be. looking for someone who is very close to. where you want them to be or they are. where you want them to be and you see. them moving in that direction I know. this might be nothing may not be easy to. hear I’m sorry if this has happened to. you I’m sorry if you’ve been hurt before. I caution you to not do this so you’re. not hurt again I hope this has been.