Well I am pumped about this subject. matter today because this is really the. practical application. for completing the marriage project we. talked about that last weekend if you’re. single this will put you miles ahead of. the game if you can wrap your head. around this simple truth so don’t clock. out on me I mean no don’t think I’ll is. not applicable to me you know this. principle applies to all male and female. relationships I’m going to tell you this. will so put you ahead if you can. understand this it’ll help you better. understand your own wire it’s the one. thing that literally can make or break a. marriage it’s in fact just getting this. one thing right could resolve. unbelievable tension in your home. because this is probably the biggest. area of misunderstanding in families. this is the thing that Debbie and I have.
Probably struggled with the most over. thirty nine years of marriage just this. understanding sounds like this the. husband says my wife makes me feel like. Rodney Dangerfield oh the woman gives me. no respect I mean no respect not even an. ounce wife says my husband never tells. me he loves me. you never tells me much of anything. what’s wrong with this man in his. response is why in the world would I be. slaving like a dog if I didn’t love her. and she says how can I respect the man. who treats me like this and that’s. that’s the essence of it that’s the. problem in a nutshell and the book I. mentioned last week lays out a very. simple plan for unraveling the craziness. it’s called love and respect and it’s. written by a guy that you’re about to. see here in a minute we’re going to have. some clips of him talking but will will.
Let Jesus set up this with a question. question he asked the first century. crowd here in matthew 19:4 he says. haven’t you read that at the beginning. the creator made them male and female. everybody knew he was referring to. Genesis 1 there he saying guys stop and. think about the male/female thing. because it’s crucial this is a. fundamental component that God wired in. the marriage and you got to understand. it you’ve got to understand the. uniqueness of who you are alright. and I know how complex this is for our. brains to really absorb so I’m going to. pray for us right now I’m just going to. ask God God would you come into this. room and bring illumination would you. bring aha moments paradigm shifts. changes in the way we think toward one. another help us to really grasp the the. depth of this of what we’re talking.
About today Holy Spirit is in your light. that we see light would you aluminous in. Jesus name Amen amen now you’re about to. see a guy named Emerson egg riches. that’s bet for a name and he’s teaching. from his book love and respect here we. go. and that right there is the Continental. Divide between the sexes there is a. Grand Canyon of difference between us. tinks not wrong for not being blue and. blue is not wrong for not being pink. they’re just different and we’re talking. way different it’s like we’re. communicating in code where everything. comes across encrypted when a wife says. you know I want you just I just want you. to be vulnerable it’s so clear and. simple in her mind what’s she saying. that she’s only she’s only telling I. want you to be open with him with me to. him vulnerable means playing football.
Without a helmet you know are you crazy. woman I mean can you see the problem. it’s like we we really are from totally. different planets we tell you the true. story of a guy who will hardly ever. remembered his anniversary but somehow. this time he managed he stopped by. hallmark on the way home to find a card. for his darling wife and with all those. racks of you know cards that were so. confusing except one really colorful one. jumped out at him and just for the. record this is not me all right. okay so he’s looking for an anniversary. card hold that in your head he skimmed. the words on the card and they were. perfect so he grabbed it and hurried. home rejoicing she was thrilled opened. it immediately and as she read those. sweet words her face turned to stone he. couldn’t believe it you know what’s. wrong now nothing yes there is what’s.
Wrong there’s nothing wrong come on I. can see there is what is it oh it’s not. bad for a birthday card she’s furious. he’s bewildered he meant so well you. know it’s not honest mistake come on. give me a break or a lot of racks and. car and she says look if you took your. car in to be detailed and they put a. stripe on the side of that car that was. a fraction of an inch off you would. notice that but you don’t care anything. about our anniversary or me she shuts. down he stomps off and that’s how they. celebrated their 10th anniversary at. opposite ends of the house so what. happened. well this was the last straw he doesn’t. even love her enough to take the time to. read a card and she’s sending in that. angry message in pink code which of. course he can’t decipher her all he sees. through his blue glasses is a lot of.
Disrespect and that makes him feel. guilty and irritated I mean come on he. meant well it’s crazy but you do realize. the cards not the issue now the real. issue is that she felt unloved and. responded the only way she knew how by. getting in his face and telling her mom. she just wanted him to be genuinely. sorry and not defensive so they think. they could get through it they could. work through it and go out for a nice. dinner together but the blue blurred all. out you know his his real issues he. feels totally disrespected so he’d show. her and here’s what’s sad Eastern people. didn’t mean to hurt each other they. genuinely loved each other but they. still end up hurt and angry wondering. how in the world the stupid thing ever. happened and they don’t figure out. what’s going on going on because each. one blames the other for the whole sorry.
Mess now 39 years of marriage I’ve been. down this track too many times it’s it’s. these kinds of goofy little conflicts. that Solomon refers to in Song of Songs. chapter 2 verse 15 the little foxes that. ruin the vineyards Edgar just says he. didn’t figure it out until one day 20. years ago he came across a particular. verse in the Bible and suddenly the. light bulb came on it was his aha moment. where he finally saw why his wife could. be crushed by his words and actions and. why she could say things that just sent. him through the roof and I want to tell. you I this has been the same for me this. book really has changed the whole way I. look at our marriage I mean it’s it’s. that eye opening and this is the burst. it’s Ephesians 5:33 so we got on the. screens let’s read it out loud together. all right ready each one of you must.
Love his own wife as he loves himself. and the wife must respect her husband. now Paul is clearly saying here that. wives need love and husbands need. respect these are the key ingredients in. creating a happy marriage but they also. apply to any relationship between men. and women because this is a malefemale. thing really not not just a husband wife. thing now I know women all across the. auditorium are going away wait a. minute buster. haven’t you ever heard of ritha Franklin. Seng RESP ect. find out what it means to me you know I. need respect come on all right but did. you know that a man wrote that song to. his wife she did not write that song a. man by the name of Otis Redding wrote. that song to his wife didn’t get much. tension until two years later when it. was rewritten for Aretha then it became. the feminist anthem for the sixty and.
One song guys we had one song and they. took it away. the point here is the proportions. different men obviously need lovin women. obviously need respect but the primary. drive in each sex is different I mean. this goes all the way down to our toes. dipped just as significant as love is to. a woman that’s how deeply a man values. and needs respect not you know really. what we’ll be doing here me and him. together it’s trying to convince you of. that because there’s nothing inside you. that says this is true I mean all your. wiring is saying no no no no no people. don’t think that way. all right let’s say you were presented. with this scenario you have to choose. one of the following which would you. prefer to endure you have to pick one. all right to be left alone and unloved. in the world or to feel inadequate and.
Disrespected by everyone no other. options you got to pick one or the other. Chauncey Felton is a social researcher. who actually did a study on how men. responded to that question. and they didn’t ask women but get this. almost 80% of the men preferred being. alone and unloved over feeling. inadequate and disrespected by everyone. that’s three out of four three out of. four guys and most guys sitting here. today we’re going well of course you. know of course absolutely and most of. your lives are going who are you are you. kidding me no we’re not and you also. need to hear me say it’s not that men. don’t need to be loved it’s just that we. need respect more fell on a soul moan. two copies of two million copies of that. book explaining why in an interview she. was asked what is the numberone thing. women need to know about men and men.
Need to know about women that they do. not understand she said by far the most. important thing that women need to know. is that men look super confident like. I’m all that and they’re not of course. all the guys here would say well I am. kind of all that you know but seriously. I mean oh she says we have very. different sets of insecurities as men. and women for most women the cry of the. heart is a my lovable and my beautiful. and my special am i worthy of being. loved for Who I am I need to know that. he loves me that he cherishes me women. don’t realize that for men it’s a. hundred percent different a man’s inner. cry isn’t a my loveable it’s am I able. am i adequate am i good at what I do. there’s so much selfdoubt under the. surface that can’t be seen she said. women have no idea that it’s there that. it’s like a raw nerve they can hit they.
Can say I love you all day long but what. a man needs and is most touched by his. appreciation and respect that she trusts. him that she believes in him and admires. it all of that is way more important to. the average guy than if she loved it and. that’s just what but it’s true. think of it this way we all need food. and water to survive right but we’re. going to live longer without food than. we can without water doctors say we can. go up to eight weeks if. plus days without food if we’re healthy. but as well as long as we’re hydrate as. long as we’re having water but try to. make it without water you might last. five day for men loves like food and. respect this is like water and typically. not a hundred percent of the time women. need love like men need respect. egregious says picture the wife Hammond. and air hose that goes to a love thing I.
Love this when her husband bounds in and. starts prancing around like a 10point. buck looking for someplace to grave he. steps on her air hose if she can find a. baseball bat she might just whack the. big buck and say get off my arrows I. can’t breathe simply put when her. deepest need is being stepped on you can. expect her to react negatively. she looks visibly deflated she’s saying. I feel so involved right now I can’t. believe how unloving this field I can’t. believe you’re doing this to me now the. guy’s tank is marked respect so when his. lovely doable wife starts trumping on. his air hose with her sharp pointy. little hoofs he’s going what is wrong. with this woman. well the doofus gave her a birthday card. for their anniversary that’s what’s. that’s what’s wrong and the battle is on. and Eggers has called this the crazy.
Cycle without love she reacts without. respect without respect he reacts. without love and around and around it. goes and where it stops nobody knows so. here’s what this looks like let’s watch. this. oh man is that not true I want you to. see something in Ephesians 5:33 the. Greek word that Paul uses for love here. is agape which means unconditional love. now here’s what’s interesting. only husbands are commanded to agape. love their wives the wife is not. commanded to agape love her husband. they’re three different Greek words for. love and marriage and they mean. different things there’s agape love. which is unconditional love. there’s Follette o love which is. friendship and there’s eros love which. is erotic and physical in Titus 2 the. older women are told to encourage the. younger women to love their husbands and.
To love their children but the word is. follow it’s follow your children and. your husband not fillet your husband. it’s the best friend kind of love that’s. affectionate and generous now here’s. more of Agri jism why God commands. husbands to love their wives. unconditionally and why wives are. commanded to respect their husbands. unconditionally let’s watch. I think most of us would agree that our. culture is not in a good place right now. and we are being influenced in ways we. don’t even understand but here’s what’s. different about us about us. sitting you as believers in Christ we. are committed to view all of life. through Christ Center glasses we’re. holding on to the Bible as the last word. on everything including our. relationships last week we looked at the. big three reasons in the Bible for. marriage and besides needin help and.
Raising kids to glorify God this one is. huge marriage is meant our marriages are. meant to display the permanence of God’s. commitment to us day in and day out when. we live out our vows to each other for. better for worse for richer for poorer. in sickness and in health willing to. deny ourselves to love and respect each. other. that is like this massive LED billboard. pointing to the mercy and goodness of. our maker when we forgive and are. patient and kind as weakened and perfect. as we are when we try again and again we. reflect the faithfulness of God to the. people in our world who don’t yet know. it and that’s what we’re here for Jesus. said you are the light of the world your. city set on a hill he told us let your. light shine in the darkness of the. culture he said by this all men will. know that you’re my disciples if you.
Love one another. he promised us in Hebrews 13:5 I will. never leave you or forsake you he never. gives up on us and he gives us the power. of his spirit to do the same for one. another. in so many ways marriage is preparing us. for eternity little wonder it’s under. such vicious attack in the culture right. now for one man to be married to one. woman faithful for life has become. countercultural in my lifetime that’s. breathtaking so what do you do if your. spouse wants nothing to do with God and. doesn’t come close to agape loving you. unconditional first Peter 3:1 has an. answer since if any husbands are. disobedient to God’s Word if they’re not. loving you unconditionally they may be. one without a word by the behavior of. their wives as they observe your. faithful and what kind of behavior. respectful behavior these husbands are.
Rebelling against God so Peters point. here is they don’t deserve respect but. give him to it give it to him anyway. unconditional the Bible teaches. unconditional respect across the board. look at this first peter 2:17 show. proper respect to everyone not only do. those who are good and considerate but. also to those who are harsh. now that is totally counterintuitive. some natural it’s unfair and the only. way we can pull this off is to stay. plugged into God because God is very. much into helping wives who choose to. respect their undeserving husband. somehow he works through that like. nothing else to melt men’s heart toward. their spouse for their wives and toward. him as well and if you’re thinking yeah. of right that sounds like a bunch of. archaic good old boy chauvinism if you. ask me I mean then you need to know this.
My tounge can lick You everwhere
Didn’t come out of thin air I mean this. is not just a verse in the Bible current. research actually confirms everything. I’m saying the University of Washington. spent 20 years studying 2,000 couples. married 20 to 40 years to the same. partner so 20 years they’ve been at that. listen to this they found two key. ingredients are always present in those. marriages that go the distance when I. guess what they are love and respect for. marriage to make it in spite of what. Paul calls the many troubles in this. life there has to be in the marriage. love and respect in the relationship. alright let’s watch Emerson again. I’m telling you God is at work here. today because I believe some lights are. coming on research has also found. another factor in successful. relationships that’s extremely. significant evidence shows that the most.
Important predictor of satisfaction and. stability in a marriage is kindness it’s. what makes each partner feel cared for. and understood and it’s how we get off. the crazy cycle and I’ll be talking. about that next week I read a book that. has convicted me to my toenails I mean. it is just it’s shanti felt on that i. mentioned all right so the obvious. question is who goes first who makes the. first move that no you got to be. wondering that right let me just put it. out there all right the one who goes. first is the one who’s most mature and i. know where that leads okay so what if it. doesn’t work smart guy i mean you know. what let’s say i put myself out there. and they take advantage of it. first Peter 3:6 says wives do what’s. right anyway don’t give way to fear agra. jizz call challenges wives to try the.
Respect test he says think of some. things that you respect about your. husband and when he’s not busy or. distracted so you know i was thinking. about you today and i did several things. that i really respect about you and i. just want you to know i do respect you. and don’t wait for a response just. mention it and start to leave the room. and see what happens he’s been what. moment said as she turned to leave her. husband practically screamed wait wait. wait wait come back what things and. because she was ready and that’s another. you know important part of this he could. tell him exactly what things after she. was done he said wow hey can i take the. family out to dinner this is a guy who. never took the family out to dinner the. kids had stuff going on that night so. she got a rain check a little later the.
Guy is in the kitchen fixing dinner and. he never fix dinner a few days later he. was doing the laundry she’s thinking I. might get a cruise out of this who knows. you know honestly I’m telling you guys. you have no idea. from the bottom of my heart I’m saying. this you have no idea the power of this. need in your guy I mean it would this is. part of the male whole psyche it’s. embedded in us and in who we are look at. this next verse first Peter 3:7 in the. same way you husbands must give honor to. your wives if you don’t treat her as you. should your prayers will not be heard be. agreeable be sympathetic be loving be. compassionate be humble I mean that’s. pretty that’s pretty serious I mean that. says if we’re not seeing results on her. list and like this might be the problem. God says work on the relationship and.
I’ll start answering some of those. prayers you’ve been praying I’m just. going to hit it again I highly recommend. this book it’s called love and respect. Emerson egg riches you know you’ve got. it there in your bulletin notes there’s. a survey in the appendix that’ll tell. you how you’re each doing on the love. and respect quotient as well as some. things that you can say to get it out in. the open because that’s the hardest. thing in it it’s like how do you talk. about this without you are not. respecting me you know that kind of. stuff so he suggests you as a husband. you say I’m feeling disrespected right. now am i coming across unloving or vice. versa and we’re offering the class again. because a lot of people were asking last. night in this morning you know where do. I go from here we’re offering this class.
Starts May 14 that’s next Sunday right. isn’t made 14th thing today at 27 right. okay that’s next Sunday and 10:50 to. 12:15 and and you’ll get to go through. the entire video series and this thing. is powerful and it is so worth the. effort because this you know the thing. is guys this is all going to go away. this is a blip on the screen you’ll. forget all about this if you don’t. intentionally focus on it because it’s. not in the way you think you’re never. going to see her this way unless you. focus on you’re never going to see him. this way unless you focus on it this is. a reality this is a bottomline reality. and a difference in a way we’re wired. there is no way we are going to be able. to lock into something this foreign to. our human nature without God first. opening our eyes good and that’s where. this begins it really the whole process.
Starts with a prayer surrender it it’s. God I cannot do this on my own I cannot. see this I can’t get it right without. you because only your Holy Spirit can. help us to take down the walls because. I’m telling you the longer you’re. married the more you all start to come. up you just you just you know I can’t. take it you know and because you’re not. understanding where things are coming. from so only the Holy Spirit can help us. take down the walls and open up to each. other so that’s what we’re gonna go all. right well I want you to stand with me. we’re gonna pray Heavenly Father I’m. asking you would you just by your Holy. Spirit enter this room I know the. frustration that so many people are. feeling right here today only you can. heal all the hurt and damage that’s been. done only you can cool the anger that is.