Vulnerability In Dating

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Hey i’m sammy i’m spencer robbins and we. run a live. free if you haven’t already subscribe to. our channel like and share it with a. friend. do it do now do it do it. all right y’all what’s up welcome to our. channel. what we’re going to be talking about. today are the stages of vulnerability in. dating. um we’re going to be talking about what. a lot of christians do in christian. circles. while dating when they share too much. too soon. yes what we’ve observed and how we. believe. uh you can go about dating in a really. healthy way having boundaries sharing. vulnerability. and proper time and so it’s gonna be a. good one today. so this is about when and how to be. vulnerable in dating. yep so let’s talk about first. some of the things that we see in. christian circles um why don’t we talk. about you and all your problems.

I have so many it’s gonna be too much. too much on the video. okay um i i will start with. vulnerability i will lead vulnerability. in this. i will talk about the different ways. that i dated which actually encompass. a lot of the ways that um christians. date. horribly wrong well what i want to start. by doing is actually by sharing. you know why we’re creating this video. is one we had a girl that commented on. one of our youtube videos. asking what are proper stages of. vulnerability. in the dating process we thought it was. a really good question um. and i know that um there are a lot of. people that. say this is the way that it should be. done or this is how you have to do it. and ultimately we’re gonna give some. feedback but we’re not telling you what. to do we’re not saying it’s the right. way. we’re giving people who are hungry for.

Practical like steps and tools. and just want to learn and glean we’re. just extending. what we have discovered since dating. messy and then dating well. we’re giving you what worked for us and. what we’ve actually. seen has been a good trend for our. clients yeah totally we have 2 000 women. that have gone through our programs and. we’ve. seen a lot of the big messes that can. happen and a lot of the. huge victories that can happen when you. do things well and so we want to give. some observations give some feedback and. kind of talk about why this is an. important subject. so all right so we’re brainstorming. about some of the things that we feel. like are really healthy important. factors in. bringing vulnerability into dating and. doing dating well. and so we’re just going to be talking. back and forth. well one of the things that i was.

Thinking. is that as a man one of the things i. wanted on the first few dates was just. fun. yeah i want to be able to find out if we. have chemistry can we connect. and not go super deep to have to connect. like i don’t want us to have to go. like really deep sharing our stories and. sharing our process. i also felt really shut down when i feel. like the girl. brought this expectation that i i want. to find somebody to marry. yeah and brought that up super fast. because it feels like a lot of pressure. it felt like. we can’t just get to know each other. have fun find out if we’re friends or. not friends or. we can’t just part ways and like i feel. all this pressure. if i say no to you on our second date. that’s going to shatter your world. yeah you know and it’s like i and and. that’s also what happens when someone’s.

Way too vulnerable too fast. is it creates a scenario where the it it. leaves them. overly exposed in something that hasn’t. been proven as a safe environment. because you let someone into a place in. your heart that they might not want to. be. in yet so a big part of like for us. in this process and the content we want. to make for this is figuring out like. what’s the marriage between. bringing vulnerability but also not too. much vulnerability like how can you show. up and be open. and expose who you are without investing. too much without letting them in too. much without over. sharing because when you do that it. creates a lot of connection. and emotional attachment really early on. and even if the man matches that or even. if he leads in that. and you match him but that happens. really early in relationship. that amount of emotional connection.

Typically leads to a lot of over. commitment. and that overcommitment is scary you’ll. typically get triggered both of you have. different triggers. you’ll typically trigger each other and. that relationship will crumble as fast. as it started most of the time that’s. not always true. but it happened to me and it actually. happened to you too at some level right. i mean i just did a lot of dating so i. have a lot of stories and so it’s. figuring out what’s that balance between. like me. showing up and being vulnerable and. being open and not being walled off and. disconnected. but also not bringing too much. vulnerability too fast that. speeds the relationship at an unhealthy. pace but that. brings us right back to that thing we’re. just talking about which is that. if you are not on a process of being. vulnerable in your own life with god.

With good friends you’re not going to. know how to manage any of your. vulnerability in any relationship if. you’re not connected to your heart. then you won’t know what’s vulnerable. and what’s not vulnerable when you’re. connected to your heart and you’re on. that process of selfawareness. you can decide and assess in a moment is. this is this too much vulnerability to. bring in the first few dates. does this feel overly exposing or is. this a healthy level of like no i’m. actually just being transparent this is. just a fact i’m sharing with you. there’s two i’ve noticed there’s two. spectrums with people. that i’ve seen in dating is there’s a. spectrum of people that are completely. unaware. of themselves the way they come off. their vulnerability. their expectations their triggers like. men might be evil in their heart and.

Fun Dating Questions

They don’t even know it they may still. have tons of pain towards dad. or be really disconnected and that’s one. sided spectrum then there’s the other. side of the spectrum. where like they know so much. about game they know how to play the. game of relationship. they know how to say really emotionally. sounding. like emotionally healthy sounding. language they can. talk the talk and logically. be able to talk about healthy spiritual. things their healthy relationship with. god. they can say all the right trust. building things that. lead you into an impression that’s not. actually true for them. and usually those people desperately. need to be liked. or impressive or significant yeah and. they’re using that dating relationship. to get their needs met essentially. even if they think that they’re on the. journey of finding a future wife that’s.

Funny Questions To Ask On A Dating Site

Not always the case. or a future husband right oh yeah yeah i. was thinking about. men doing that women do that too i’ve. noticed that. especially um another thing that i was. thinking about is. like finding ways and i want you to give. practicals if you think of it but. finding ways to test so you can create. clear expectations. so you were saying like fun was really. important to me. having really low stakes us just. figuring out do we connect can we have. fun before we ever talk about. you were telling me before we started. recording that you would get shut down. if you heard a woman say i’m just. looking for my husband. because it felt like a ton of pressure. i’d be like. that sounds like i’m gonna fail you. already. but for me as a woman i’m thinking well. it was really important for me to have. clear expectations and to test figuring.

Out. what this guy’s motive and intention was. for dating. because there’d be good christian guys. that were exploring and they were really. excited about having a future wife. but they weren’t ready for commitment at. all and there were other guys that i met. that. they weren’t even thinking about. marriage at all they just wanted a girl. to be by their side and to get their. needs met with to get some they wanted. to get some. and that was like before my jesus days. even the christian guys want to get some. but it’s not sexual stuff they want they. want to get all their emotional needs. met. yeah but figuring out what a man’s. motive and expectation is in. relationship and testing that. so that you can figure out how to. posture yourself in relationship. and we’re both huge advocates i didn’t. learn this until spencer because i made.

Everything high stakes i think. but we’re we both have a huge value for. how do i set myself. up in relationships for it to be low. stakes. like how do i not put a ton of pressure. on this a ton of expectation or bring a. ton of energy into this. so that we can have a healthy natural. building and progression of relationship. one of the things that i always shared. on a first date. that made it really enjoyable um. was hey like i know that we’re. we’re out at coffee i asked you out i’m. really excited. to have conversation with you and get to. know you and and see if we like. connect um but i just want to let you. know the way that i do things. is i really like to keep things casual. in the beginning. really um just low stakes. i want to get to know you i want to take. notes men take notes. and i would i would set i would set my.

Goal and intentions. so that they knew the way that i. functioned in dating too so they could. they could manage their own expectations. yeah i’d let them know like hey i’m a. marathoner on anything. yeah so i want to have fun i want us. just to have like lighthearted. conversation and. and so my goal isn’t that this is a high. pressure thing that we’re figuring out. how to get from a to b as fast as. possible. that scares me in in the dating process. and i would love. for you just to know that no matter what. happens i’ll communicate with you what i. want and what i don’t want. yeah so like i will let you know that so. that you can just decide. um at any point during this if you want. to choose out or keep. or keep choosing it it’s amazing i don’t. like games. i want us to be able to be honest and so. here’s the thing.

If i mean i know i have men that watch. this channel. we right now are only working with women. and so a lot of you women are probably. hearing that and you’re like god i wish. a guy would freaking do that with me i. wish i had clear communication or maybe. you’re like i would hate if someone just. said. i don’t know i love it i love clear. communication because i know how to show. up whenever. there’s a lot of communication and. clarity yeah and so. with this you might be thinking and. feeling like well i’m a woman like how. do i lead in that you know like do i. just have to wait for a guy to show up. like that. you can show up with clear communication. too you can ask questions. yeah you can ask questions you can get. clarity but you can also. you’re not leading the pace of. relationship if you decide to fully show.

Up. but also i think that takes going on a. process of figuring out like what is. healthy communication. what are healthy boundaries so how do i. communicate in a way where i’m not being. codependent where i’m not putting. pressure on him. and where i’m not trying to lead the. relationship the nature of dating. if we’re talking about vulnerability the. nature of dating is already vulnerable. yeah because you’re saying yes to some. stranger yeah to get to know them. you’re putting your heart on the line a. little bit to to let hope. like to to let your hope um. grab onto something yeah you know you’re. entering into something that’s. by nature is vulnerable and i think if. you pay attention to what is going on in. you. on a date that’s a really good place to. start if a guy is not. you know necessarily eating the way that.

You want him to there’s probably. a lot of triggers you may need to work. through before you go into dating if you. feel triggered nonstop in dating. yeah if you go on dates and you just. feel triggered or even the thought of. dating feels really high stakes you. probably need to get some leadership. if that’s you too and you’re hearing all. of this and you’re like i know i need to. go on a deeper journey. click the link below in the description. click our workshop. watch our workshop and if you’re. interested if it resonates with you. look into our programs we dive into this. deep process for you. to get to go on a journey and ultimately. the goal of our courses is to get you. really healthy so that you feel prepared. and powerful to do relationship well and. so if that’s you. click that link but if you’re on a date.

And you’re just noticing like oh my gosh. i feel welled up. or i feel really shut down or i can’t be. myself on this date or. i’m trying to to connect and i was able. to with my friends just before this but. now all of a sudden. i’m out with this guy and i can’t that’s. great stuff to share with them. in in a not overly vulnerable way you. can. you can just ask questions like hey i. just want to let you know. for some reason dating feels vulnerable. for me yeah. and i know this is just a first date and. i don’t want you to feel like. i’m projecting a bunch of expectations. on you but i think something that would. be. helpful for my heart to hear just just. right now and. is is the way that you do dating like uh. are you kind of like a sprinter are you. a marathoner like. are you wanting to just have fun and. connect like what are some of the things.

That. that that feel fun in the beginning and. the ways that you. you go about dating and it could and if. the guy is. is connected to himself and is a leader. i think he’ll respond like wow just. getting straight to it. okay i like that um here’s here’s some. of the stuff that. and let me pause you that’s not you. pursuing a man. either and i have a huge value for. letting the man pursue and letting the. man lead there’s actually something. innately in men. where there’s this thing in them where. they want to hunt and pursue. and conquer and so if a woman steps into. that. and starts leading and pursuing i know. there’s a lot of flack that i might get. against that. and i’m a very powerful woman i’m very. strong i communicate. i know what i want i did that even while. we were dating yeah. but you can still be powerful and not.

Lead the relationship. but for those of you who are like i. don’t want to lead the relationship i. want the man to take the reins. like i want to be pursued and loved and. chosen the rest of. my relationship that’s how you need to. start but you asking questions. is actually you bringing vulnerability. to you pursuing your own heart. it’s not you leading the relationship. and so i just want to like clarify that. and on another side note with asking. questions i think. asking questions is a great way in. dating to. have you fully show up but to get a lot. of information to learn that person. and by asking questions it’s actually a. really good tester to see if you’re. going to have a man. who’s going to reciprocate that or lead. in that yeah. it would be a it’s a huge red flag for. me when i’m in like. communication with anyone and they’re.

Trying to get to know me. if they don’t bring questions to me. because whenever we’re having an. exchange where we’re asking each other. questions and we’re reciprocating with. each other. we can unfold we can i remember spencer. said to me when we were just. friends he said part of the the purpose. in dating and in pursuit. is that the more a woman is pursued and. the more she’s seen she’s like a flower. and she actually blooms and opens up. the more you love her the more you. pursue her the more you woo her the more. you actually get to see. who she is like like a flower that. blooms. and i that marked me a lot i remember. noting that i had never heard that. before and i remember loving that. perspective. and feeling safe with you because i was. like oh you’re gonna pursue whoever. you’re with and if i. i was thinking about dating you you.

Questions To Ask While Dating A Guy

Would pursue me and you would understand. that your pursuit would help me open up. and so. asking questions is a great way to. engage someone. to also bring vulnerability but to also. test where they’re at and if they’re. going to bring. interest to the table if they’re going. to bring curiosity about you. so that you guys can actually get to. know each other if you’re. like dating is gonna feel way too like. when i say high stakes it means it feels. too vulnerable where you can feel. you feel like you can be destroyed at. any second yeah or you can destroy the. other person at any second. and so that’s way too high stakes it. means that you know. that you’ve given away your power over. your life and. um and so like one of the things that i. think is. is really huge is identifying do do i. feel like men have the power to make me.

Feel rejected or unloved. you know if you felt like really. reactive towards men. in dating like big anger like your outer. critic is saying. like there are no men there are no men. that are safe like there are no great. men. that tells me that you’re living in a. lot of powerlessness. and there’s actually a deeper heart. journey you need to go on separately. that a guy can’t fix for you and to give. you understanding really quickly with. like the outer critic because you just. dropped that down. like a lot of us have an inner critic. and or an outer critic and that inner. critic. is the voice that tears you down says. you’re inadequate you’ll never be enough. it often sounds like the voice of your. mom or your dad and the way that they. talk to you. and the outer critic it looks outwardly. at the world and it blames and it.

Accuses and all that. is is you’ve adopted at some point in. your life because of pain a protector. so that voice that says men will never. be safe and they’ll never be trustworthy. and i’m going to blame them. accuse them disqualify them tell. myself that they’re the reason. everything is bad in the world it means. you have a really strong. protector inside of you that’s trying to. prevent future pain from happening it’s. us. trying to reason our pain away yeah so. that’s. that’s something that i would recommend. if you feel some of that big energy. going on your own heart journey and. that’s the same for men too. we we happen to have a lot more female. audience than men. um another thing too and we’re just kind. i think. i’m gonna use this but we’re just kind. of bullet pointing a few different. things that are going to be helpful and.

We’re making it very conversational. obviously. rather than teaching it to you but i. think another thing. that spence was saying is like too many. times we see people. learn emotional health and learn. communication and learn these skills. and actually head level at a head level. yes and then we use it to weaponize we. use it as a weapon. in relationships so will you tell me. about what you mean by that. uh what i mean is like i’ll. i’ll hear people listen to a ton of. emotional health podcasts. or even watch our videos and if it stays. here. in your head in your head and you can. logically go. oh this is what i need to say in. relationships here’s what i need to. communicate and it stays here you’re not. actually allowing it to sink into this. place where you’re being vulnerable with. people. yeah you’re being vulnerable with god.

You’re working through your past. pain your triggers you’re taking. ownership for your pain in your life. and and finding out more about it. getting help and leadership if you’re. not. if you’re not in that process it’s gonna. stay here. at a head level so like um what i’ve. seen is. is people know all the right things to. say. you know i was connecting with my heart. and blah blah blah blah. you know or internally i. felt or like i i can connect with like. there’s just all this language. there’s all this lingo language like i’m. sure if you’ve been around church long. enough. there’s all this christianese language. that you know how to talk. right and um you know you never walk up. to some stranger and talk about. prophesying. you know or maybe you do and and that’s. fine but. um it’s it’s not it’s not something that.

People understand but if you go. on like an actual journey for yourself. you can take ownership that language not. is not used to weaponize other people. like even in relationships there’s times. where i’m like. we both told each other you’re triggered. this is your dad pain. this is like and then i’m like you’re. telling me about me right now. well you’re triggered and you’re trying. to fix me like you did with your mind. all in order to prevent pain all the. psycho. and another thing that i’ll say too is. if you have a lot of head knowledge or. you know someone that has a lot of head. knowledge. and all of us do we all have a lot of. things that we know in our heads. this is a problem that we go through yes. that we don’t actually know in our heart. i was talking to my friend abby the. other day and. we were having a conversation and she.

Was like well i’ve i share this. like i’ve shared this specific thing. with you over and over again because i. can tell that you know it in your head. but you don’t know it in your heart. and i just was like oh okay true like i. thought she kept telling me because she. thought i just didn’t get it and i’m. like no i get it i understand. but she’s like no you just don’t know it. in your heart yet and it’s true and it’s. true for all of us. always but the more we go on the process. what spence is saying is the more you go. on the process. and you actually apply those tools over. and over and over again. that’s when that information actually. moves from your head which is in an. intellectual way down to your heart. which is an experiential knowing. and so if you’re not going on a process. you probably too. have a lot of emotional lingo or.

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Christian lingo that you think you know. all the answers to. that your heart doesn’t actually know. from experience because you haven’t. lived it out so we just encourage you. go on the journey it will make you a lot. more trustworthy and it will make. connections. so much easier in dating engagement and. marriage. and um one of the things that i’ll just. say as we’re closing things up. um is like we talked a lot about the. beginning process right like the first. few days. i would say you know after. after a few dates there’s this point. where you. need to start paying attention to what. your heart is needing. and and it’s not it’s not acting if you. come into a dating process. like there’s a right and a wrong way to. do it. that’s going to create a lot of. unnecessary tension for you and for the. other person because you’re going to be.

Questions To Ask On Dating

Projecting all of your expectations. on what’s right and what comes with that. are a lot of judgments and accusations. when they. don’t line up to what’s right and that. could look like you having this. ideal in your head of what dating needs. to look like. how the guy needs to pursue you what the. progression has to be. you may bring in a lot of expectations. which we all. carry that in relationship we all think. that there’s a way that it should be. based on what we’ve seen before and when. you do that. it actually puts the guy or the other. person that you’re doing relationship. with in a position where they actually. don’t know how to show up. fully that expectation and relationship. will only lead to disappointment. absolutely so instead of coming into it. with. like there’s a right and wrong way to do. relationship.

It’s you taking ownership for what your. heart’s needing yeah. you know so like um i remember. at what at one point there was a girl. that i was dating. that we got ice cream one night. and uh and we went back to my house. and we’re gonna watch a movie or. something and. and this girl is a christian but at one. point she dropped her clothes in front. of me. and i just sat there for a second. and i was paying attention to what my. heart was feeling and. obviously as a guy that. likes you know is gonna be drawn to what. like a girl’s naked body. um as a as a guy i was like i i was like. i need to pay attention to my heart. though. so that i’m not living from a place of. like this surfacy desire. and i me i immediately felt shut down. internally and i just felt like oh my. gosh like. physically it was a really cool. moment but internally i didn’t want that.

And. i just felt like a little boy that was. shut down and so i didn’t feel safe. and so i told her i was like i need you. to put your clothes back on i’ll be. waiting for you downstairs and she felt. super ejected and ended the. the dating process but but i was paying. attention to what my heart needed. and it wasn’t me going you’re so bad for. doing that i have all this judgment. towards you as a woman. like you’re such a bad person for for. doing that it’s like i didn’t want to. bring that. into that process and shame somebody. for for their normal even though it was. unhealthy. and there was an unhealthy thing that. she was living in for me i had to pay. attention to like what my heart was. needing and so if like that that’s an. extreme example. but i feel like something that women can. do to be powerful is to ask questions.

And and maybe maybe like try and figure. out for yourself. what’s something that is uh what are. things that i need to be navigating in. my. process with god and then what are. legitimate things that i need to know. throughout this journey that i can ask. the guy questions in a lighthearted way. like hey. um you know we’re six dates in i’m just. curious. you know where uh what your direction is. for this what you’re feeling like i. would love to just have a dialogue about. what’s going on in your world. what you’re willing to share and and i’d. love to to share where i’m at too. and i think a huge game changer for me. was not letting my level of. vulnerability. exceed where i was at in relationships. so i’ll give you an extreme example. if you’re dating or you’re newly dating. and. you haven’t talked about marriage yet.

And you guys aren’t talking about the. future yet which is good and normal and. healthy. it would be really odd to talk about. sexual preferences. what your expectations are in marriage. what your expectations are for sex what. you would want to explore in sex. that would be an unhealthy level of. vulnerability because. in that you’re actually bringing a lot. of sexual energy and sexual excitement. and you’re letting them. into your world too much for where. you’re at if you’re newly dating or just. dating. now it’d be healthy if you guys were. engaged and you’re. you’re going down the aisle soon right. because you need to have that. conversation because that level of. vulnerability. which i’m talking about sex sex is. extreme an extreme level of. vulnerability and relationship. if you’re about to cross that bridge and.

Be in that level of vulnerability. it’s really healthy to have. conversations about that but i wouldn’t. even have that conversation. fresh into engagement i would have that. fresh i’d have that conversation. whenever you’re about to get married. so that you’re not awakening too many. things and connecting like that too. early. because it makes it really hard yeah. literally. and so it that’s an extreme example but. you want your level of vulnerability. that you’re bringing. to exceed or to match where you’re at in. relationship you don’t want it to exceed. it otherwise it will progress too. quickly. and when it progresses too quickly it. might feel. like for me i knew that i wanted a lot. of vulnerability and connection. really early on because it actually made. me feel more secure. in relationship it felt like if we can.

Talk about this now. then it feels like it locks us in and. then it protects me from pain. abandonment and rejection. so you have to be mindful of that stuff. we got vulnerable fast but we also. had friends we had been dating or we had. been friends for two years. but in that like you you don’t want to. exceed that because when you add too. much pressure. and bring too much vulnerability and. have too much commitment language too. early. it can typically break the relationship. so you actually want it to go. at a healthy pace which you really have. to reel yourself in over and over again. and manage yourself and manage your. desires manage your expectations. manage the amount of vulnerability that. you’re bringing in order to have a. healthy progression. and so we want that for you we want you. guys i hope that you guys got some good.

Takeaways from this i hope that there. are really practical things that you’re. like man i feel like i understand that. and i can do that. and if not well also if you have more. questions just post them in the comments. throw them down and if not and. we hit on things that you’re like i. really want to know more about that look. into our courses. click the link watch our workshop we. dive into a lot of this if. you really like this video you’ll really. want to watch. our our free training in the workshop. because we walk you through. how to break the walls that are keeping. you from connection to yourself. to god and to men and so if you want to. go on a journey of. getting freedom from your triggers. that’d be a really good place to start. and i’ll just say like you doing these. right practical. things to date well would only be a.

Questions To Ask On Online Dating

Bandaid. in this in a relationship that you’re. building if you’re not going on a deeper. process. if you are just externally doing the. right things and pacing yourself and. trying to apply all of the tools. but you don’t have a deep process that. you can actually sustain this. and be healthy and connected and show up. and be selfaware. then it’s probably going to end up. breaking eventually so you do you. and your future person do you do them a. huge service if you committed to going. on a journey. or you’re taking ownership for your. stuff so that you can actually sustain. these tools. and not just talk the talk we don’t want. to be people who talk to talk we. actually want to walk the walk and then. talk about it later. right so we hope that you enjoy it i. hope you got some good practical things. and if you did.

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