Hi my name is thais gibson and i’m the. coowner and creator of the personal. development school. this is your daily breakthrough video. and in this video i’m going to talk to. you a little bit about red flags. standards and nonnegotiables in dating. so this question came from somebody was. having a discussion with who was. basically saying. sometimes i can be picky when i’m. starting to date people. and when i meet them or if i’m talking. to them on a dating app. sometimes i will sort of push away and. find things i don’t like and sort of. pull back. and i don’t know if you know i should be. giving people a chance and how do i sort. of define when i should give people a. chance and. and you know it sort of brought on this. idea that there’s so many things that. happen when we’re dating. and there are so many different dynamics.
To pay attention to and sometimes we. you know don’t trust our intuition and. sometimes we you know second guess. things and sometimes we’re like oh i see. a red flag. and we bolt in the other direction when. maybe we should have had a conversation. about it first. or sometimes we put up with things that. we shouldn’t and there’s so much that. can be at play. and so what i wanted to create here is a. bit of a system to help you. figure this all out if you’re in the. dating phase of a relationship and. you’re sort of figuring out. the different dynamics at play and then. what you can do about these things. so number one i want you to know that it. is so important to have. intentionality when dating the more. intentional you are the more clear you. are about what you want. and what you don’t want the easier your. entire dating process.
Will go so what i always get people to. do is start by. defining what your nonnegotiables are. in advance. okay and so these are the things that. like no matter how great the person is. if this is a thing then you decide okay. i cannot be with them at all. for some people an example of this would. be like if somebody’s vegan and they’re. like i will only date vegans and maybe. that’s somebody. that maybe that’s their nonnegotiable. right or wrong. it’s and there isn’t right or wrong it’s. specifically up to that person just so. you know it’s specifically up to you. doing this work um maybe it’s you know. somebody said to me the other day if. somebody’s. a hunter and and hunting because they’re. an animal lover. and so it’s you know like for some. people that’s not a big deal for some. people it is and it doesn’t. make the thing right or wrong it means.
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All it. only has to do with our personal. relationship to that thing. okay so it could be a whole bunch of. different stuff. it could be if people are cheating in. all their past relationships it could be. if. you know you define right so take the. time. and really look it could be if somebody. is not willing to work on themselves and. do emotional. work or if somebody’s a poor. communicator if somebody. um you know uses certain swear words in. a relationship or speaks to you in a. certain way it can be all those. different things i’m just giving off all. these examples so you can like get your. wheels turning okay. so number one you want to define your. nonnegotiables that. makes life a lot easier and you save a. lot of time that might have otherwise. been spent. you know getting to know somebody then. finding these things out way later or.
Then not knowing that it’s. nonnegotiable and sticking around for. things that you know and you’ve defined. your boundaries out of time you’re. actually not okay with. so write your list of nonnegotiables. then part of your. job in the dating phase of a. relationship is the dating phase is the. vetting phase of a relationship. and what you’re supposed to do is sort. of figure these things out and you don’t. sit down on like the first date and say. these are my nonnegotiables do you have. any you don’t like list them all. off but you ask questions indirectly. that help to get that information you. know like what do you feel about this. thing or you know. what kind of foods do you eat or. whatever it might be um. you can start sort of assessing these. things in advance okay. so that’s number one that will save you. a lot of time.
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Number two then we have a standards list. okay so these are things that are. important to you but not. vital and as i’m saying this i want to. be very clear that the goal here is not. to have like a milelong checklist of. what you don’t want and what you do want. and then you. are not allowed to date somebody until. you find the perfect person with all. these things on your checklist. no that’s never going to happen that way. the standards you know nonnegotiables. we are like no matter what and we’re. clear on that. and we have to show up for our. boundaries accordingly standards are. like preferences. they’re like things that you you know. very much prefer and that you’re looking. for. and that are important to you in a. relationship dynamic but like let’s say. for example you have a standard of. somebody has to be emotionally literate.
Right like they’re very good at. communicating. and that might be really important to. you but. maybe you see that the person has all. these other things on the checklist and. they’re not great in that area but. they’re willing to work. on it okay and then you’re like okay so. the standard’s not met but like. we can grow into that together so you. make a list of your standards and. these can be all types of different. things um. and if you ever want to dive into this. as well like in our all of our advanced. attachment style courses are all about. like. how your attachment style will show up. in each of the six stages of a. relationship but also how other people’s. attachment styles will show up in the. six stages of a relationship and it. gives you like a road map. so you’ll be able to navigate some of. these things that come up more often.
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And this will also really help you to. define your standards in advance. um and it helps you as well to know the. things that could be coming and to not. take things personally when they do show. up because you’re like oh. the fa just moved into the honeymoon. phase of a relationship and that means. they also sort of have one foot in the. power struggle phase. specifically and so now that i know that. you know i’m aware that some of these. patterns can pop up early. and it’s not about me it’s about some of. their internal unresolved wounds coming. up and and now i can address it. differently right so so anyways there’s. a whole roadmap for all attachment cells. it really helps to figure these things. out. i will put a link to in um the. description box below too. um the membership costs you can check. those out there is a money back.
Guarantee as well so you can go in there. and scope it out and if you. don’t get all this great stuff from it. then you get a refund um. check that out um so nonnegotiable. standards and these are like the. important things of preferences and i. also recommend if you really want to get. detailed and not because somebody has to. meet these things. 10 out of 10 all the time but so that. you have this like internal navigating. system that’s helping you. get clear when you’re dating um and and. clarity is so important because with. clarity we know what to say yes too we. know what to say no to we don’t waste as. much time. right and we don’t get connected with. people who aren’t going to be. a good match and then we end up in an. unhappy situation that we’re only going. to leave anyways long term and we really. want to avoid that.
So standards and you can rate them out. of 10 if you really want to get detailed. and the other thing about having your. nonnegotiables and standards and. there’s one other thing still. that i want to touch on here but um the. other thing about having nonnegotiables. and standards is like when you have your. nonnegotiables. let’s say you see a small flaw in. somebody and let’s say you have a. tendency to deactivate because you’re. either a da or an fa. you know let’s say you see a small flaw. and there you are you see a flaw in. somebody. and let’s say you notice yourself. deactivating well you can look and you. can reference your nonnegotiable sheet. and be like okay this isn’t a. nonnegotiable so this means i’m. deactivating. and this means i should work on my. deactivation and be open and try to. solve the problem right.
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Just as an example if there is a. standard. and some and so that’s deactivating if. you have a standard and then you look. and you’re you’re finding yourself. hunkering for more closeness and. connection and maybe you’re fa leaning. anxious or you’re anxious. anxiously attached um then you can look. at the standards. and go oh somebody doesn’t meet my. standards. and so i’m d i’m sorry i’m activating. and i’m trying to get closer to them but. for what this isn’t even like the right. person for me they’re not really lining. up with my standards. they have nonnegotiables for me so it’s. a time for me to move on. and so it helps you get clear between. the difference between like somebody a. good fit for me. or not a good fit um oh and am i just. activating for. no reason because this isn’t what i’m. going to want long term anyways or am i.
Deactivating for no reason just pushing. people away because of my own internal. fears. i have a long form video about. deactivation as well you can check that. out. if you need help working through that. and activating strategies too. um so that’s a really important sort of. framework and then when we look at red. flags. red flags we have to assess and find out. if they are solvable problems so a red. flag isn’t necessarily. something we should see and then bolts. in the other direction a nonnegotiable. is. a red flag is basically a threat to your. standards right like oh this may take. away from the standard here now of. course if it’s a red flag and it’s. something. serious like you know somebody’s. physically abusive or something like. that. well hopefully that’s a nonnegotiable. you have out right obviously if it’s.
Something like that you leave and. anything unsafe. you both in the opposite direction but. i’m saying like if somebody. um uses words and conversation you don’t. like right. that becomes something you go towards to. address. to have a conversation to gain clarity. around so you can figure out where it. sits. so you might say hey i really would. appreciate if we can communicate in this. way instead of this way. right and if the person takes action and. wants to work on that with you and is. open to that. then that turned into just a. conversation you had that built and. strengthened. your relationship and also shared your. needs with another person so they could. meet them. right and vice versa perhaps so so we. want to like. see that red flag go towards it to have. a conversation about it figure out where. it sits. and if somebody’s willing to work on.