Nervous About Online Dating

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Hey i’m shauni and this is social. anxiety confessions. let’s talk about let’s talk about dating. so in this video. i’m going to talk about a lot of things. ranging from. my experience when i first started. dating how i first started dating. where i met people how you can meet. people how you can. face your fears and just put yourself. out there this is gonna be a twopart. video series and in part two i’m also. gonna be. sharing some tender first date stories. and i’m gonna be sharing things that. these different tinder dates and these. different people taught me because. honestly if i think back. all of the different people that came in. and out of my life when i first. started dating definitely taught me some. things. so if you’re new here i have a series on. my channel called social anxiety. confessions that i started years and.

Years ago. back when my social anxiety was way. worse than it is now. ever since starting that series it’s. been a place where i share my. experiences ranging from everything that. you. experience as a human with social. anxiety and selective mutism. so if you are new here i’ll just quickly. tell you that. i grew up with extreme social anxiety. specifically selective mutism. i finally mostly overcame my social. anxiety when i was 23 years old. when i turned 24 not right when i turned. 24 but. when i was 24 i started dating for the. first time. ever in my life which i made a video on. that it’s called dating for the first. time ever at age 24. and a lot of people seem to like that. video so i figured i should make another. video on this. big subject of dating with social. anxiety you know how i told you i. started dating when i was 24 well when i.

Was 26. two years after being in the dating. world i came out as. bisexual slash queer slash still. evolving the label but it came out as. part of the lgbtq plus community. that is some more information that i. wanted to pop in there i’m gonna start. by talking about how i first started. dating and how i. first jumped into the dating scene and. how that felt obviously growing up. i had crushes on people i was always a. huge fan of romcoms and romantic novels. and love stories and i always considered. myself a hopeless romantic i guess a. part of me always really thought. that i would have some sort of love. story growing up by which someone else. would come up to me. and take all the actions and take all. the first steps and that just never. really happened. that definitely happens to people it. just didn’t happen to me there were.

People here and there who definitely. flirted with me who definitely. expressed interest but 50 of that time. it was. random people who i would pass on the. sidewalk who were like. hey let me get your number girl it was. never like someone who i knew. who was like i kind of like you uh. please go out with me also. there were probably many people who were. flirting with me growing up but because. of my social anxiety it was hard for me. to recognize that. i definitely felt really uncomfortable. with flirting growing up. like a lot of things make us. uncomfortable when we have social phobia. fast forward to college i’m age 20 i. decided to. try this thing called tinder so i made. an account on there i lived in seattle. at the time 20 years old so i got on. tinder our main account started swiping. i got a few matches and i remember being.

Too scared to go. past the point of getting a match i. think i might have like talked to a few. people maybe but i was. too scared to go on an actual date with. a person. fast forward a few years i’m age 24 i’m. ready to try. dating again i’m ready to actually try. and do it i don’t know maybe it was like. desperation at this point to finally. make. some sort of romantic connection once. again i hadn’t had. anything i can’t remember how old i was. when i had my first. kiss that also happened way way later i. think i was. either 22 or 23. i had a i had a kiss. when i was 11 years old but for some. reason i don’t really count that it was. one of those. kisses with your friends where your. friends like do you want to practice. doing this. i consider my first real kiss it’s kind. of a funny story about don’t think i’m. gonna get into it but.

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It was like with a stranger that i met. on a train at like midnight after. leaving a party. um so that was that really. at 24 when i dived into online dating i. didn’t have. any experience so i got on tinder and. okcupid. made some matches and this time decided. to go on a date. and when i went on my first tinder date. i’m gonna get into. the specific dates and everything in my. next video. because i mean you guys might want to. hear some specific tinder. first date stories right i guess i’ll. talk about one of my first tinder dates. right now it was this guy. so we chatted for a while i don’t know. if i could find it if i still. have it okay i don’t still have this. chat with this specific guy. but when i talk about specific dates and. specific guys not by name obviously. i will share some tender conversations. so we chatted for a while.

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We were both kind of nerds i think we. chatted for a long time and then he. finally asked me out um he asked me to. go. to meet him at like this bakery in. downtown l.a. and i remember i showed up i was really. nervous. really nervous my first time but i just. i just decided i was going gonna do it. so it didn’t matter how nervous i was i. got ready i went i showed up. and i’m gonna get more into that later. like the showing up part and the fear. part i showed up and i’m waiting for. this guy right. and i’m waiting and i’m waiting and i’m. waiting and more time is passing. and he’s not showing up and i think i. probably waited for like 45 minutes or. something like that and i texted him a. few times like i’m here and he never. showed up. and so then a few hours later or. something like that i get a message from. him saying that he overslept or.

Something. so one of my first tinder dates if not. my first i think that was my first. i got stood up but then he said he. overslept and he seemed. really sorry so i gave him another. chance and i guess he really did. oversleep it was like in the middle of. the day though which is so it’s kind of. weird but whatever. so for our actual date that he showed up. for. we decided to do a movie i have since. decided that movies are. terrible for a state idea because why. would you want your first date with. someone that you’ve. never met in real life even to be the. two of you. sitting in a theater not talking at all. i agreed to do it back then i think i. even like knew when he was asking that i. was like that’s a terrible idea but i. like agreed to it so we met like in. front of the movie like a few minutes. before it was supposed to start we were.

About to go get the tickets. and i remember he didn’t offer to pay. for mine or anything like that and i. remember that kind of like turning me. off a little bit. so i paid for my own ticket on this. first date that he asked me out to. and like while we were there getting the. tickets getting the snacks. there wasn’t that much conversation like. it felt kind of hard to talk to him. like you know those people where it’s. really easy to talk to them it wasn’t. that it was like. one of those times where the. conversation not it didn’t feel like. pulling teeth. but it wasn’t super easy so we went into. the movie theater having not really. talked that much at all since meeting up. and then the movie started. and we didn’t talk at all really. throughout the whole movie like i think. i tried to. say something to him about one of the.

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Trailers to just like have a little bit. of a. connection but he wasn’t really trying. to talk throughout the movie and i’m not. supposed to talk to movies anyway. yeah it just felt awkward because i’m. sitting next to the stranger watching. this movie. afterwards we went to a mall because it. was a mall right across the street this. was not the best idea filming out here. because the sun is blazing on my face. and it’s actually. really hot and i don’t want to move. locations in the middle of this video. but i just want to let you guys know it. is very hot right now. back to the story i don’t know we walked. around we got some pretzels. it just wasn’t a strong connection and. talking to him didn’t feel. easy this is my first official date ever. i think if i’m remembering right. it just felt awkward and it wasn’t a.

Great match and i knew before the date. ended that i didn’t want to see him. again and. i was kind of hoping the date was going. to end and he was trying to make it go. on. let’s talk about my tips and advice for. you if you want to start dating but. you’re scared or you have social anxiety. and then i’ll talk a little bit about. like where you can meet people. so i was scared to go on this first date. but the thing i did was i just. i showed up and the number one. piece of advice that i have for you if. you want to start dating you want to. start putting yourself. out there you want to meet people but. you’re scared my number one piece of. advice for you. is to show up show up. what that means is say you get asked out. say you have this opportunity to go on. this date and. you’re scared to say yes first of all. say yes.

Unless there’s something you really. don’t like about the person asking you. out we’ll get to the asking out later. but if unless there’s something you. really don’t like about them. say yes even if there’s something you. don’t like about them you might find. that when you. like actually are on a date with this. person if you met them online or. something. you might find that that you you were. wrong like you do like them you do have. this connection so. say yes to the date if you get asked out. i don’t care how scared you are i don’t. care. say yes set up the date set up the time. day of the date or evening of the date. you will. feel freaking terrified. and i do mean scared out of your mind. like it will probably feel like the. scariest thing you’ve ever done and. honestly maybe it is like it literally. feels so terrifying to.

Be getting ready to go on a date with. someone period like it’s one of the. scariest things we do. as humans specifically as humans with. social anxiety maybe it’s not as scary. for like the normal folks. we’re normal that’s not what i mean like. maybe it’s not scary for people who. don’t struggle with social anxiety but. for people with social anxiety. that that night like that hours before. the date when you’re getting ready. scariest time ever so when you’re in. that. period where you’re getting ready for. the date maybe you’re getting dressed. maybe you’re. doing your makeup um whether you’re a. guy or a girl whatever. like you’re getting ready you’re gonna. get the. urge to chicken out and to to back out. of it you’re gonna get the urge to. cancel on this person. and you cannot do that listen to me look. me in the eyes.

First step is to say yes to the date. second step is to not. chicken out okay i want you guys to. follow my advice because i want you guys. to be happy and i want you guys to. start dating and i want you guys to jump. in okay first step is say yes. second step is don’t cancel on them. don’t chicken out. no matter how bad you want to you have. to ignore that feeling you cannot let. yourself chicken out of the date. so you’ve gotten ready it’s time for the. date uh. maybe they’re picking you up maybe. you’re showing up most likely if you’ve. met this person online you’re gonna show. up somewhere. so you’re showing up for the day. and guess what guess what the hardest. part is. over if you have social anxiety. that’s the hardest part the hardest part. is showing up. you guys that is what i learned when i. went on this first date.

That is what i learned when i put myself. out there and started dating i. learned that if you push past the. initial fear. of saying yes and oh my god it’s this. new person i’m gonna meet them we’re. gonna have dinner we’re gonna do. whatever i’m so. freaking scared if you push past that. initial fear. and if you push past. the feeling of wanting to chicken out. and wanting to cancel and wanting to not. go because it’s easier. if you push past that and you show up. that’s the hardest part. once you show up then you’re going to. meet this person. talk more about how you meet people in a. minute but once you show up you’re going. to meet this person. okay and you’re going to start the date. and you’re going to be. in the date and you’re going to be in. the moment you feel. pretty present when you’re on a date. because it’s like.

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This person that you’re focusing on and. you’re thinking about all these things. and maybe you’re feeling a little bit. selfconscious and nervous and you’re. like just thinking about everything. that’s happening so you will be. extremely present. after you show up you’ll be present and. you’ll be in the day. and showing up means that you have. opened yourself. up to the possibility of making a. connection. by showing up you’ve opened yourself up. to the possibility of. finding love of finding a partner. finding a relationship. or finding a casual connection you don’t. have to be looking for romance you can. be looking for whatever you’re looking. for. the point is that when you show up. you’re opening yourself up to the. possibility of finding. that thing you’re looking for if you. don’t show up. you’re eliminating that possibility.

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Honestly guys showing up is everything. and i cannot wait until part two of this. video to tell you guys about some of the. amazing experiences. amazing lessons i’ve learned by showing. up. on dates i cannot wait because uh do i. have some stuff to tell you guys i’m. gonna. i’m gonna spill the tea from my love. life okay i’m gonna spill the tea. next let’s talk about things you might. be worried about once you’re on the. actual date. you might be worried about how am i. gonna have a conversation if having. conversations is hard for me and i have. a few things to say about that. one i want to say i don’t know if all of. you guys. really need to worry about that because. a lot of times what happens is. unless you have a really really. debilitating social anxiety where it’s. just really hard for you. to um if maybe you’re still working.

Through like how learning to have small. talk with people. learning to ask people questions because. i know when i. my social anxiety when it was more. extreme it was hard for me to even ask. questions to people in social situations. so if you’re there. then you know this might be a lot harder. for you. i still want you to show up but the. conversations you know you might be. nervous about that but if you’re a. little bit further along in your journey. of. overcoming your social anxiety and. pushing yourself to leave your comfort. zone. then you don’t really need to worry. about like overthinking. what are we gonna talk about because. when you get there the conversation’s. gonna naturally start it’s gonna. naturally evolve. a lot of times when you first show up to. the day it’s a lot of small talk stuff. like. how are you how was your day and you’re.

Like learning about them so you’re gonna. ask like. so what do you like to do for fun or. what are your favorite movies uh where. are you from. you’re gonna ask those small talk. questions but then a lot of times what. happens is. those questions those small talk. questions will lead to. those longer conversations where you’re. not just asking questions. it’s more of like a conversation and a. back and forth and you’re actually. having fun. talking and getting to know this person. a lot of times that’s what happens. i’m gonna talk more later in the next. video about when that doesn’t happen. but most of the time you can at least. have a fun conversation with this person. if you’re nervous about the talking part. come up with a few questions that you’re. gonna talk to them about maybe it’s a. common interest that you’ve discussed.

That you already know. like you can have that in your head you. can have it in the notes on your phone. a few questions so that your mind isn’t. blanking and that you feel better and. more relaxed. let’s talk about how to meet people so. there’s. in real life meeting people and then. there’s online dating. i have a little bit of experience with. both but i mainly have experience with. online dating when i first started. dating i was on tinder and i was on. okcupid. not a huge fan of okcupid in general but. that’s how i met people with okcupid you. make a profile. and then it tries to really match you. with people that it thinks you’re going. to get along with. and that you have a lot in common with. when it comes to everything. if you like the same fandoms if you like. the same movies to like if you want the. same type of relationships.

If you have the same political um. preferences. okcupid is really great at really asking. you a lot of details about what you’re. looking for and what you. like and who you are tinder is. you just see like five pictures of. someone and then you see. whatever they choose to write which is. usually really short on tinder like you. don’t have as much information about who. they are and even what they’re looking. for really unless they tell you i. actually prefer. tinder tinder is not just a hookup app. that seems to be a misconception so you. can meet people online make a profile. get more comfortable with swiping. through people i know it sounds shallow. to say swiping but that’s. the world we live in right now it’s. you guys see that it says scam. do you know how many scam calls i’ve. been getting you literally i don’t know.

What that’s about. um sorry that was so random swiping is. okay. um especially with kovid which is a. whole nother thing. i’m not going to get into but especially. right now. people are meeting each other online. another way to meet people. is real life there are your kind of. typical things like bars i may have just. forgotten but i don’t think i’ve really. met. people at bars for me i’ve met people at. meetups and events a great way to even. make friends too. is finding those meetup groups online in. los angeles we used before coveted. in los angeles we i used to always. look up free events or meet up groups. like there was this one where it was. just a game night where you can come. and make friends by playing games. together i never ended up going to that. but it always sounded really cool and. then i would always go to comedy shows.

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Another type of meetup i recently. started like more recently. once again precovered not right now i. haven’t so. last year or earlier this year last year. i. started going to more queer centric. events where i knew it was just for. queer people. looking to meet other queer people uh. for whatever reason like even like. mainly just to make friends with other. queer people so i went to a few. events specific to that and i met some. people that way but overall. like anything guys like anything else. we do as people with social anxiety and. just like as. people in general the more you do it. the more comfortable with it you’re. gonna get and that applies to dating the. more. i dated the more i put myself out there. the more i showed up the more people i. met. the more comfortable i got with the. whole process. of dating does it still scare me yes.

A few weeks ago i went on a first date. and. it had been a really long time because. of the lockdown. i guess state talking about dating now. is kind of controversial but i don’t. think it is as long as. i’m not going to tell you what to do but. for me you know i’m being safe. i’ve gotten tested for covet a few times. now um. just it’s what you feel comfortable with. right now. i’m not telling you what to do but i. want to tell you guys i did go on a. first date a few weeks ago. and i got really scared. really scared i wanted to chicken out i. didn’t want to show up. um i almost i didn’t want to say yes you. know when this person asked me out but i. said yes. and you know while i was getting ready. for the day doing my makeup. my outfit i had so many i had so many. nerves in my stomach. i felt so terrified. but i ignored it and i showed up anyway.

And i’m so glad i did. guys i’m so glad i did and a lot of. times you guys will be really glad you. did too. if you do this um and i know you can i. say this a lot. but if i can do it you can do it okay if. my. terrified little butt can do this stuff. you can do it too there are other. benefits to showing up. for a date besides opening yourself up. to the possibilities. of meeting someone you grow as a person. you’re leaving your comfort zone which i. talked about this in many past social. anxiety videos. whenever you leave your comfort zone. your comfort zone gets bigger you’re. challenging your social anxiety you’re. getting closer to overcoming your social. anxiety. every time you do something that scares. you every time you push yourself to do. something that you don’t want to do. because you’re scared you are getting.

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