Hi! Many people tell us that our marriage must be so perfect because our Instagram is so beautiful and because we travel and go out and have fun. WRONG! By no means are we perfect. Our marriage is not perfect. We have gone through some challenging, tough times, many bumps in the road. Its been a challenging time these past 3 months. C: Really, in general not just the past 3 months. But the past four months have been the worst. But, we always have ups and downs, that’s normal. We decided to go on a little break from social media to focus on each other and to meet each other‘s needs. We needed to take a good look in the mirror and make some changes within ourselves.
We noticed some ugly things in ourselves and each other then started to improve in those areas. My stuff was ugly! What are some things that helped us? 3 things specifically helped us. One of them being the concept of five love languages Another is a book we read called, "His Needs, Her Needs." And having other people involved in our lives really helped. Yes! The first concept is really great! Maybe some of you have heard the concept of the 5 love languages. That helped us a lot! This book describes the five specific love languages, the first one being Touch, Physical Touch, Acts of Service Quality Time Words of Affirmation and Gifts.
So for example, before my top love languages were Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. This meant that I loved cute notes or cute text messages throughout the day, any type of positive affirmation. These are things that made me feel loved and happy. So for example, if we were go out into public and he would want to make out with me, I’d be willing to do that but it wouldn’t be something that would make me feel loved I would prefer either a cute note or a text message or quality time together. Now for Zach, his old top love language was touch. So if I were to text him all these cute messages, that’d be sweet, Z: but it wouldn’t really do anything for me.
But if we were out and I would touch him,. Or if she kissed me or held my hand, my heart would feel full.. So that book talks about the importance of knowing your own love language and. your partners love language because. if I feel like I’m doing a lot of things for Zach but mainly focusing on his last two love languages. It’s sweet that I’m doing a lot but they are not things that make him feel most loved and cared for.. So recently my love languages changed, now my top 3 are Acts of Service,. Quality Time, and Words of Affirmation.. What are yours now?. My top 3 are my top three are umm. Words of Affirmation. Quality time just spending time together and. Physical Touch?. Maybe Acts of Service or Physical Touch. So really, ummm. What was my point? I totally forgot my point?. Um, to understand each other or to understand how to love each otherI don’t know…haha.
So my point IS to make sure you REALLY show love to each other to focus on each others needs and making sure your meeting their needs. If I’m focusing on her top three and she’s focusing on my top three we would feel more connected and loved by each other. I will feel more loved by her and she’ll feel more loved by me. That really helped us a lot. In January it will be 4 years of marriage, and its normal to bicker and argue But I feel like this year, the last 4 months well, actually things got better recently, but this past spring we were just not getting along, I felt neglected. I felt disconnected.
We just continued to have conflict after conflict. But another book that really helped us is called, "His Needs, Her Needs." By Willard Harley. How was it been helpful? Z: Let me explain something else first Before I got married my fatherin-law, her dad gave me this book. I wasn’t planning on reading it. We’ve had so many books from people, selfhelp books marriage books etc. We had a stack of books and we didn’t feel like we had the time to read it. I was in graduate school at the time. But like she’d just mentioned this past spring, February, March, April We went through some tough times. We hit rock bottom.
One couple who’s in our lives who helps us a lot with our marriage encouraged us to read this book Really, that book.Okay, fine. So we read the book together, we would take notes and discuss what we read And the concepts were so simple and straight to the point, so we started to see improvements in our marriage. I was shocked! Looking back, I wish I would have read this a long time ago. I could have avoided some of the challenges we faced last spring. So Courtney’s gonna explain a little bit more about that book. I’ll keep it short. There are two concepts I really love. The first one is called the Love Bank.
The second is Bankruptcy. This is the sign for bankruptcy. I know, the concept is "love bankruptcy." The first one says that, everything that I do, anything I say, anything I don’t do, or anything I don’t say, All those things will do one of two things, It will either be like a deposit of love or a withdraw of love, feeling disconnected Sometimes in relationships, we become "bankrupt in our love" We feel discouraged, disconnected and unloved. That’s what started to happen to us this past spring. I started focusing only on my needs. And I focused on only myself as well. We stopped depositing in each other, which isn’t horrible but you start to feel indifferent Then before you know it, you start to make withdraws from their love banks So over time the "account" decreases and then it goes into a negative balance.
This was painful for us. It was a really tough time. But this book was really eye opening for us. It helped us take a deeper look at ourselves and make changes. Both of us really needed to make some changes. This book helped us to see things in each other that we felt needed to change as well. And having another couple in our lives really helped too. And again, I keep thinking to myself, why didn’t I read this book a long time ago. Also, having that other couple in our lives helped too. Again, we would read the book together, then every week or every other week the four of us would get together.
We would talk about what we read, and different conflicts that were going on at the time and how to get resolved fully. Both those books helped a lot! Since then, we’ve made some improvements, but we understand that in life we will always have to make changes and that we won’t ever be perfect. So our marriage is not perfect. Anyways, we want you to know we will be making more videos! We are back on social media. So if you want to know anything specific or if you want us to tell you a specific story or if you have an idea of something you want us to film, for example some people have been asking us what its like when we both go to the movie theater together We should go.