So i have genital herpes. hey. i have herpes i have genital herpes i. have herpes i’ve been open about the. fact that i have genital herpes for. a while now i went public about it. in like february march of this year and. i have had it for just about two years. now i got diagnosed um. just after halloween like early november. two years ago it’s been a journey um. i wanted to talk about it on here. and kind of like align the spaces that. i’m in because. my youtube channel has been like. i haven’t been sure what to do with it. over the last few years. way back in the day some of you might. remember i used to do like cooking. videos when i was like excited about. eating like plantbased then i really. got into sensuality and that’s still my. thing. i. am a sensual guide i help people. find and connect with their sensuality.
And so the irony of getting herpes your. sensuality is like one of the main. things to go under that. this the pressure weight and stigma of. that diagnosis. so it’s given me even more fuel to do. what i do my first post my first public. post about this was on my instagram in. like february march so you can go read. that and then i started to post videos. about it on my tick tock which you can. follow me on there if you don’t already. and by now i’ve had like. thousands of comments like reactions um. millions and millions of views which is. dumbfounding and amazing i’ve been like. published in media about it like it’s. been a whirlwind and the reception has. been mostly positive but also negative. because of the stigma which i’m gonna. get to but a lot of why i wanted to make. this video was so that like i could come.
Out about it in all the. spaces that i’m in so that i can just. like help people out there feel more. comfortable with it and realize it’s not. a big deal. you can still feel confident you can. still feel beautiful you can still have. a normal dating life you can still have. a normal sex life i also wanted to tell. my story. and how i got it and the growth i’ve had. to. mark the two years that i’ve had it and. also because i’ve like touched on it in. random videos and like lives. but i’ve never told my full story so i’m. gonna do that now. first let me talk to you about like. herpes. facts and herpes stuff that you may not. know. especially if you’re someone who doesn’t. have it slash realize they have it. or you’re fairly ignorant about it which. like a lot of us are. until we get it or come across it or if. you have it and you’re aware of these.
Facts already but it’s just comforting. to hear or be reminded of so first of. all. when i say herpes i’m referring to. hsv1 or hsv2 which are both herpes um i. have hsv2. there are like eight common strains of. herpes but i’m pretty sure there’s like. hundreds of strains or a hundred strains. they theorize that like one of the early. human ancestors must have consumed. meat with herpes on it. or in it which you know way back then i. guess is how it like got into. the human. or they copulated with. another human species that carried it. it’s been around forever of the eight. common strains or the common strains we. know about. like mono is a strain of herpes pretty. sure. chickenpox smallpox shingles and what we. call cold sores hsv1 is most typically. oral. or like in around the face. uh and that is what people commonly.
Refer to as cold sores or fever blisters. it is herpes hsv 2 is commonly below the. belt or genital area. people assume it’s like genital is. genital. it’s all over your genitals no i’m sorry. someone’s like of course vacuuming while. i’m filming that’s fine below the belt. means like. you can have a flareup on your leg you. can have it on your butt you can have it. on your genitals you can have it inside. you don’t know exactly where it’s. appearing for someone so don’t assume. second. hsv2 can appear. orally or anywhere else on the body but. it’s quite rare hsv1 can appear. genitally and that is very common and. the reason for that is because. a lot of people. acquire hsv1 genitally through oral sex. because so many people have hsv1 and. don’t recognize it or realize it or just. think that cold sores are not herpes.
They will transfer it to someone. genitally and they will. have hsv1 genitally like first way that. people go wrong is they try to make a. distinction between a good herpes and a. bad herpes they’re not worrying about. oral herpes because. like whatever you get a blister every. once in a while on your mouth who cares. that still sucks for people who get it. sometimes it’s visible people are. bullied for that anyway it’s not like. oral herpes is automatically the good. one okay genital herpes is the same. thing. just down below. so they actually used to like. not even differentiate between the two. strains they started to do that when. they started to recognize that it was. appearing genitally as well so they. called the genital one hsv2 and the oral. one hsc1. but like i said it’s extremely common to. have hsv1 genitally of course like the.
Two strains have slight differences the. same things apply to both in terms of. like both can be asymptomatic and both. are. dormant most of the time and there’s no. there’s no saying as to how it’s going. to be in your body you might have. flareups with either strain either. location a few times a year never. once every few years like it just. depends so that’s like the strains okay. what else is there to know. how common it is so if you look up stats. for hsv2 it’s gonna say it’s like 13 of. the population it’s like one in six. people they’ll cite statistics for hsv2. to be like not a lot of people have it. it’s only 13. right that’s only those diagnosed and. they think about 25 of people who have. it are diagnosed because it is. asymptomatic so much of the time or just. period for so many people they estimate.
That 70 to 90 percent of people who have. herpes are not aware so it’s a lot. higher than that hsv one is like one in. three people or even higher the. percentage for the global population is. 67 but that’s the stat from five years. ago or so and again that’s also only. those diagnosed but the point is they. are all herpes they are both herpes if. you’re gonna stigmatize. one strain of herpes like genital herpes. and not the other it doesn’t make any. sense because you are just as likely. more likely to encounter someone with. oral herpes and acquire it genitally. from them than somebody who has genital. herpes and acquire it generally from. that do you know what i mean we have to. put both on a level playing field and. worry about both the same way and. disclose both the same way or. destigmatize both herpes is so.
Extremely common. so many people have it most of the. people in your life have it you just. don’t know or they don’t know it’s not. this like horrible ailment that people. think it is so the other major thing to. understand about herpes is that it is. not screened in your routine std. screenings the cdc and who both if you. look it up recommend against screening. for herpes and there’s a few reasons for. that one is the stigma is so great it’ll. usually cause the person more distress. than the virus like is worth second. reason is that. in most cases where the virus is. asymptomatic if they diagnose you with. it and it’s asymptomatic they find that. it doesn’t change behavior so there’s no. point the third reason is that the blood. test. that is done. to diagnose hsv one or two. without symptoms is quite inaccurate and.
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Unreliable. what it does is it measures the level of. antibodies that you have. after being exposed to the virus and. then it reaches a certain level where. they assume you have the virus they can. reasonably say you have hsp one or two. but they don’t know where. it’s located if you’ve never had an. outbreak before and if and when and. where it’s ever gonna pop up also every. single one of us has been exposed to. herpes i would say that probably every. single one of us has herpes it’s just a. matter of who. shows symptoms and who discovers that. they have it because symptoms arise and. then they go get diagnosed it’s usually. the arrival of symptoms that drives. anybody to go get tested and diagnosed. or. having a known like exposure to someone. or experiencing assault getting pregnant. because like they’ll usually test you.
For more things when you’re pregnant. even then they don’t always for herpes. which is interesting because that’s the. only case where herpes can be. threatening to like a newborn for anyone. that’s worried about that what they do. is they typically put you on suppressive. medication to ensure that a flareup. doesn’t happen because the risk is in. having a flareup while you’re giving a. vaginal birth and it can be transmitted. that way so they’ll usually opt for a. csection if there’s any risk of a. flareup or they see a flare-up reason. it can be dangerous to a newborn is like. many things are dangerous to a newborn. because they have no immune system yet. so in the same way people like to focus. on like well if you have genital herpes. you are at risk of transmitting it to. your newborn but if you have oral herpes.
You are at risk of transmitting it to. any newborn that you might kiss you. wouldn’t go see a baby if you had a cold. or flu either you know. there’s a lot of things to watch out for. with newborns so that’s why unless you. know that you’re getting screened for. hsv one or two you can’t reasonably ever. say that you don’t have herpes. and so judging someone. who knows they have herpes. is a very dangerous game with karma. because you’ve could very well have it. and so that brings me to the final point. about herpes itself which is like. the stigma and shame that. is created around it the stigma is the. worst part a lot of the stigma arose. from. abstinenceminded sex education which. was all about scaring you. from engaging in sexual activity instead. of equipping you with the knowledge to. do it. responsibly and realistically if you.
Want to avoid somebody that you know has. an std and that has disclosed to you. that’s fine just be polite about it. but also be conscious of the fact that. you’re always risking stis and stds with. any sexual partner you have. no matter how many you have. whether you’re monogamous or not a lot. of people. acquire stds while in relationships. because of a partner cheating or a. partner having an std that they had no. prior knowledge of so many people get. stds from assault. or from their first partner. or from a few partners like body count. doesn’t matter you can make the argument. all you want that the increase of you. know partners increases your chances. fine but like it’s not even exclusively. sexually transmitted when it comes to. herpes you can have herpes because you. were born with it you can have herpes.
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Because you were kissed as a child by. somebody else who had it or like shared. utensils or drinks there’s even a strain. of herpes that lives on like gym mats. and i’m not even kidding you it’s a. thing and a lot of athletes get it in. abstinenceminded sex education they. also showed like the worst of the worst. when it came to photos of different. stds and stis in order to scare you. away from risking it which is so. irresponsible again because like herpes. is so incredibly common. and it’s not the ailment that people. think it is because a google image. search is not a reliable way to figure. out if you have herpes or what herpes. looks like because. you could be looking at any strain of. herpes you could be looking at a. shingles outbreak which is more like a. rash you could be looking at an extreme. case of herpes.
You know somebody with like autoimmune. issues might have more severe. outbreaks and just like any virus or any. skin condition or any ailment at all. things can obviously get out of control. if there’s an underlying. cause to that or issue going on but for. most people most of the time. herpes is. like asymptomatic. period. or if it’s symptomatic most people will. have. a mild flareup a few times a year. if that. it’s very common to have your first. flareup and then. not have one ever again or not have one. for years or to get flareups in the. first couple years and then it slows. down and stops happening you know and. then maybe it comes back after a few. years because you’re going through a. stressful period in your life or your. body is run down it kind of comes out. when your immune system is taxed in any. way because the virus sits dormant in.
Your nervous system and it’ll pop out. onto your skin if something is going on. and it is skin to skin transmission you. have to engage with the viral. particles or whatever on the sore. um. so no you can’t transmit it through. blood or fluids that is why. the other thing people don’t realize. is you can still contract herpes with. the use of condoms like and protection. because if it’s outside the area. that the condom or barrier protects from. then it can still transmit obviously. transmission is highest during a. flareup. people who are having an active flareup. are generally not going to engage in any. activity there is something called viral. shedding where you can shed the virus. outside of a flareup but they don’t. know. how often that happens how long you shed. for if it’s enough to transmit to. somebody you know so there’s always a.
Small risk. but the risk is highest. as a flareup is happening. active and after it and when it’s. healing that’s not to scare you or say. that like. you know it’s impossible to avoid but. it’s very hard to avoid. and it’s one of those things that if we. just remove the stigma from it a lot of. us would be a lot calmer about. the risk of it and even like acquiring. it and knowing that. it wasn’t our fault it’s extremely. common it can happen. against your best. efforts. uh and it doesn’t have to change your. life and doesn’t there’s a lot of. different things you can do to reduce. transmission as well. obviously for flareups there are. antivirals that you can take to treat. them and help them heal faster you know. you can also take those antivirals daily. to reduce the chances of transmitting to. partners like on the right on a regular.
Basis being with someone with herpes. doesn’t mean you’re absolutely gonna get. herpes there are many couples where one. is herpes positive and one isn’t yes you. can still have children you can still. try for children like all of that is. still totally doable people have asked. me if it affects your fertility it does. not affect your fertility. at all oh sorry back to the stigma. another major reason for the stigma is. that when the antivirals came out on the. market in the 70s and 80s. they actually didn’t have a market like. a viable market because. doctors were just identifying herpes and. sending people on their way there was. no reason to treat it like it causes. discomfort for a couple days goes away. and you’re fine. when this drug came out promising to. like help suppress flareups and also. lower transmission.
Um. and ease flareups when they happen. they needed to. like create a more hungry market for it. so. they were marketing. or advertising like the drug and. presenting. herpes as something like debilitating. shameful extremely uncomfortable etc etc. so that. you know people would have a reason to. pers like use the drug i have nothing. against it i think it’s great that it’s. out there but it’s important to. acknowledge how a lot of these cultural. factors like were then woven into our. collective consciousness and our. interpretation of herpes. and then it also for some reason like. has always been a punchline in media and. television and that doesn’t help either. because it’s like the best explanation. i’ve heard about it and i think it was. from a a doctor quoted in an article i. think it was like on vice herpes isn’t.
Serious enough to make it a really mean. thing to make fun of someone for. but it’s also. like shameful enough because people are. people are ashamed when they have it and. hide it that it’s a good thing to make. fun of or easy thing to make fun of. someone for so it’s basically just like. a really cheap unimaginative stupid. punch line that makes its way into a lot. of film and television and further adds. to that discourse. that it’s this shameful embarrassing. thing. that really when you separate yourself. from it and look at it objectively it’s. extremely immature to make fun of. somebody for an ailment like that so. there’s so many movies and shows that. have had. horrible punchlines. and. from now on when i come across one i’m. going to write to the writers and tell. them what shitty writers they are. another big contributor to the stigma.
That not a lot of people know about is. time magazine had a huge article. i think it was in the 70s as well. after the sexual revolution reached its. peak. um called the scarlet letter and it was. all about how this horrible ailment was. taking. america by storm. and was like the scourge of the sexual. revolution and it was herpes and they. presented it as the consequence of these. actions. and something that was now rightfully. going to usher in. an era of sexual abstinence and. responsibility and it was after that. that they started to. like really. hone in on more. like religious abstinenceminded. sexual education programs okay in terms. of flareups themselves which i want to. touch on because there’s so much. misinformation about what they’re. actually like and what they look like. they can very easily be mistaken for.
Or image search but like just go to your. doctor because the most definitive way. that they can. identify and diagnose herpes is through. a visual diagnosis because they know. what to look for. or they’ll swab it and be able to. confirm whether it’s herpes for you and. the type especially it’s funny because. i’ve been like preparing to talk about. this for a long time. on here and it’s like hard like it’s uh. it’s a whole new ball game to talk about. it on here i love that this is like a. space where i can make a longer format. video about this stuff and maybe go live. in the future and like do more videos on. this topic here. but. okay my story now. here we go okay so. for most of my life. for all of my life i was always very. uh careful. and. health conscious always had health. anxiety always worried about different.
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Health ailments that could be going on. i actually. i actually had shingles in university. and it was over a year where i was like. pulling consistent allnighters i was. extremely stressed. i was terrified it was herpes. but it was like all it was like along my. waist which is like a very common area. when you get a shingles outbreak it like. follows like a branch of nerves. so you can either have it like along. your face or your waist. if you look at like how your nerves are. laid out in your body it gives you an. idea. so my doctor was like this is for sure. shingles like it’s not common to get. shingles young but it can come up when. you have like very intense periods of. stress um that is basically i believe. the chickenpox or smallpox i always mix. up the two virus that has sat dormant in. your body since acquiring it when we.
Were young. or having it when we were young coming. up again and usually it comes up in. elderly people but. i’m pretty certain they now have a. shingles vaccine. and most people who are born after the. era of smallpox and chickenpox have had. the vaccine for those so. but most of us. before like before a certain year carry. the shingles virus or like the smallpox. chickenpox virus that will turn. come out as shingles at some point later. in life so that’s an interesting little. thing poof okay i always like knew. i was always aware of herpes but i don’t. remember any like sexual education. classes or learning about it um i do. remember seeing pictures of it and. thinking it looked terrifying. and i remember jokes all the time making. fun of people for either having cold. sores. which we didn’t identify as the same.
Thing. or just like. it being. a disparaging comment like oh that. person must have herpes i bet that. person have herpes has herpes oh like. you have herpes you probably have herpes. like i remember jokes like that the. thing that’s funny as well is that at. some point in high school i believe i. did a project on herpes or like wrote an. essay on herpes or something and. i don’t remember why. or for what i remember doing like the. bulletin the bulletin presentation thing. i probably even had like pictures on it. i probably contributed to the stigma. myself. but. i remember learning about the two. strains and learning that they’re like. oral and genital herpes like was the. same thing. and that you could easily contract. genital herpes from oral herpes and i. remember like telling. a friend or friends about it and being.
Like it’s terrifying like it is so easy. to get and it is so common and i. remember just being like. i’m gonna block this out of my mind and. i’m never gonna think about it again. because i’m a careful good girl and i’m. never gonna get it. karma showed me. so like i said i was always like very. health conscious. and. had a lot of health anxiety i still do. it contrary to what people on. my tick tock like to say they like to. slutshame me. and tell me that the whole nba team has. run through me which like. bring it on it’s just like the misogyny. is palpable um the moment you are out. about something as a woman the amount of. boys that will drag you for that when. like you’re the one being open and. honest and they’re more likely to get it. from people who aren’t aware that they. have it or who aren’t open and honest.
About it and they very likely have it. themselves they love to blame me for. getting it and like drag my. sensual and sexual expression as a woman. for the reason why i ended up with it. which doesn’t even make cognitive sense. like one of the really common comments i. get is like it’s because you dress and. act this way that you got it which like. if i knew that having good style and. being hot was gonna get me herpes like. okay. so i. had a handful of partners throughout my. life. never had a one night stand. before i got herpes never never had. casual sex i only ever slept with people. i was dating okay wait i shouldn’t say. never. but like i didn’t. i did not have like my heyday in my 20s. where i hooked up with lots of people. because i was always in a relationship. like i had i was like with my high. school boyfriend slash.
Like high school sweetheart through all. of high school and the beginning of. college. then i met my college boyfriend. i think i had two shorter term. boyfriends like or partners i dated. before that. um. but when i met my college like love. we got married and i was with. him for like 13 years total we were. married for about eight years. um. so i was like not. playing the field okay and there’s. nothing wrong with that there’s nothing. wrong with having a high body count or. like. sleeping with many partners like it’s. about how you approach those things and. what kind of precautions you take and. what kind of partner you are. not about how many people it’s just. funny to me because of like the. assumptions that these triggered little. boys make about me when they know. absolutely nothing about me and i don’t. even care to defend myself about it.
Because again i think there’s nothing. wrong with being a hoe. i wish i was more of a hoe so. when. i separated with my husband we. decided to separate we got a divorce. i met somebody. through the end of that and after. because we had we had an open. relationship towards the end of our. marriage. that i then moved into a relationship. with this new person okay. and for a while it wasn’t exclusive but. i was like not seeing anybody else. because i had just come out of a. marriage this was already like a lot for. me. and i was like in love with this person. i thought i met like my soul my next. like soul mate. uh. and we were like long distance for the. majority of our relationship long. distance and nonexclusive um. they had a partner. that i understood was kind of like a. casual open thing. but it was very confusing. there was a time where it seemed like.
You know. there was there was some lack of honesty. going on i basically ignored like a lot. of red flags because i was like smitten. i was very blind. my. worth was extremely low. and like i thought i had met my person. when in reality i had. like energetically matched with somebody. who was gonna like almost destroy my. life. um. and. instead of recognizing that. what’s like a youtube video without some. tears right. that’s why this is a lot for me to talk. about. i have processed. and deconstructed this a lot but it. still triggers me when i talk about it. okay so despite my better knowing i like. um. decided to. like move. um. to where this person was living and. see. like give the relationship a chance like. the idea was to live there for a few. months and see what would happen i feel. like i also just needed to get away from.
Like everything i had been through my. marriage with my exhusband was. fantastic we had just been through a lot. in our marriage um. i had become pregnant after like almost. two years of trying with twins uh. unexpectedly like no treatments or. anything just like twins came out of. nowhere. and he and i had both always wanted. twins so it felt like such an aligned. amazing thing and then i miscarried. okay okay okay. it’s okay now i have a dewy complexion. okay so i. miscarried which was really hard on us. um i was depressed for a while i didn’t. realize it and then i went through a. very intense depression i think for like. three or four months where it was like. it got really dark. um and that was about a year after so. it just like it didn’t make sense to me. that something so. aligned and seemingly miraculous came.
Along and then and then got like poof. taken away. um but it’s extremely common to miscarry. as well so. so that really gutted me and then there. was a period of time after that where i. just started to question whether i. wanted to have children at all and then. i started to question like. you know whether i was happy and we. get along so well we have such a good. foundational friendship that. i just felt like. we were better off that way and. weren’t meant to be in a romantic. relationship anymore and that’s like. essentially. the conclusion that i had come to. and i’m just so lucky that. we’re good me and this new partner gave. our relationship a try afterwards like i. said we were. long longdistance non-exclusive and. then at some point we became exclusive. again lots of things were going on that. were very questionable very much red.
Flags that i continued to ignore because. especially by the time that i had. invested myself in seeing this. relationship through and eventually. going there to stay for a few months i. like couldn’t let it go and so like. anything that threatened that that came. up that was like this person may not be. who you think they are or like good for. you. i was just like i would explain it away. you know so it was during one of our. visits. like me visiting them that i started to. develop symptoms. and it was towards the end of the visit. and then i was like driving home. across the border and i was in a great. deal of pain and. i thought that i had just like a razor. bump when it first came up. i didn’t think much of it um i thought. maybe afterwards i was like just. irritated from like intimacy you know as. i was driving home i was in such a great.
Deal of pain that i was like i must have. a uti. or just like i thought it was like the. friction from wearing jeans i was like. why did i wear jeans on this drive like. i’m. you know. this. razor bump is like hurting like hell. like that’s what i thought was happening. so. after i got home i like looked at it and. the thing that alerted me was it looked. like a blister like it didn’t look like. a normal. razor bump and. that really freaked me out so i went to. my doctor. my doctor looked at it and said it was. fine she literally looked at it and was. like i think it’s fine i don’t think. it’s herpes. um. because that was what was running. through my head. i was already like in shambles and tears. and she was like i think it’s fine it. just looks like razor burn to me. or like a razor bump and she sent me. home and she was like if it doesn’t go.
Away come back. or if it gets worse i think that at that. time i just hadn’t developed any. additional sores yet. but. she called me the next day. and i remember being like okay phew i’m. in the clear but i was still worried. about it. she called me the next day and was like. i think you may have herpes and i was. like what like i felt so betrayed and. angry at her because i was like. you just gave me a clean bill of health. even though she didn’t test me or. anything and then she was like i’m. actually glad she called me because she. was like i think it might be herpes. um i’m just gonna like assign you. or prescribe you a sign. prescribe you the drug just take it. because it can’t hurt if it’s not and if. it is like it’ll help clear it up. i was like what do you mean like how are. we not confirming this like i just take.
The drug like we don’t know that it’s. herpes like i was so shellshocked i had. a loved one who knew everything all. along um helped me set up an appointment. at like a clinic. so i went to like a sexual health clinic. or like a women’s health clinic and i. think by the time i got there. it was clear i had a couple sores and. like. one was like near my opening which is. why i was in so much pain and thought i. had a uti that’s where like people say. like you can have pain while urinating. or like burning sensations because like. any open skin where you’re peeing is. gonna hurt like that’s that’s. what it is you know the other thing i. want to say actually about photos is. like if i took a closeup photo of like. a zit right now. and said uploaded it online and said it. was herpes it would look like herpes. like any skin ailment up close is not.
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Gonna look enticing especially when it’s. on. your genital area but even if i just. took a random ass photo of my genitals. and didn’t pose myself nicely or it. wasn’t in a sexual context it wouldn’t. look great either just gonna put that. out there. i mean it can help to see what a blister. looks like up close but i just mean like. those scary photos you’re used to like. don’t. once i was in the clinic i was like. spread eagle on the table. a doctor and like her nurse were looking. at me or a nurse were looking at me and. she was like the doctor was like it’s. you have genital herpes like i can see. like there’s like three or four sores. we’re gonna swab you but like i’m. positive and i was just like devastated. devastated. and. she took a swab and then um. left the room. to like prescribe me my medication which. i already had.
Prescribed i just hadn’t filled it yet. but this one i was gonna fill cause i. was like okay you know it was to treat. the flare up. mainly. and they just like gave me a pamphlet. and i was like. bawling like i was inconsolable i just. remember the nurse was like why are you. so upset. and i was so. irritated at that question i was just. like what do you mean like you just told. me i have genital herpes like my love. life is over my dating life is over like. my boyfriend’s gonna leave me like my. first thought. this tells you a lot. but my first thought wasn’t like oh . did i get it from my partner. it was did i. have this and expose my partner. because i had the flareups starting. during our visit. and is he now gonna leave me. that was my first thought that just says. so much. and so. she could tell i was like really upset.
With her question where she when she was. like why are you so upset. and she was just like it’s super common. it’s super common like we see this all. the time so i was like okay i hate you. but now looking back like i understand. because to them it’s not a big deal. and they’re not equipped to like counsel. i did proceed to go home and like. research things for days first thing i. did was call my partner at the time. crying telling him that you know i just. got diagnosed with herpes. and like waiting to hear him say like oh. my god like it’s over right. and he was like really supportive so i. was like wow okay. this is my person he’s so good about it. after i was like driving home i pulled. over on the side of the road and i. called like a sexual health helpline i. think it was like specifically a sexual. health helpline for my city for people.
Who’ve been diagnosed with an sti or std. so like that is a great resource um if. you need one and. the person i spoke to on the phone was. so helpful and like my. first question was like you know is am i. ever gonna have a normal sex life again. am i ever gonna date anyone again like. is anyone ever gonna go down on me again. like those were. my questions and she was amazing and. like eased my worries right away and and. recommended a book to me and was like. everything’s gonna be fine it’s. extremely common it’s like totally. manageable i just felt like i had like. crashed and hit rock bottom like my. marriage had ended like i was deciding. to be alone i decided to date this. random person i was gonna go live with. this person for a few months like. now i got herpes like. what am i doing what am i doing you know.
And i felt like i was being punished. by the universe for like making these. lifechanging decisions. and i remember just sitting in a tub. that night crying to myself like i was. having very dark thoughts. just thoughts like it wasn’t worth. living with this. like. life was gonna be so much harder now. this was so incredibly embarrassing how. would i ever face anyone again. i just heard this like i’ve said it. before in some of my other videos but i. just like heard this voice inside of me. that was like you’re gonna be public. about this like you’re gonna tell people. about this online. and help people get through this. and like. it’s supposed to be this way and you’re. gonna find power in this and i was just. like. shut the up. let me. be. depressed in my bathtub i don’t need to. listen to you right now. but i knew it it was like an inner.
Knowing that i had and that was actually. making me cry too because i was like. what the i can never do that i’m. never gonna do that like you’re crazy. you know whether that was my higher self. talking or like a guide or a force like. i believe in that stuff so. a few weeks later that same partner um. told me that they were now having an. outbreak and so my worry was that i gave. it to them. and it was a very ambiguous thing like. they were like. i’m not upset about it i’m not blaming. you i could have very well given it to. you like it was open like that like it. was like we don’t know where it came. from let’s just not dwell on it you know. and that was kind of the thing that. set me off or like was a flag for me. that’s one thing that they told me on. the sexual health helpline was like. don’t waste too much time and energy.
Trying to figure out like who you got it. from and how. because. that can just bring you so much distress. and it can be so hard to know because it. can lay dormant but this felt like a. first. infection because like i got. like i had flu symptoms like it kind of. all came after. so i felt like a mess and i also felt. like if like i can’t deal with this if. this is what outbreaks are like but i. remember reading that your flareups are. like so much more mild and less frequent. after the first one so all that to say. like i truly believe that was like my. first um my body’s first time acquiring. the virus. and. that it was from that partner now. yeah like whenever it came to discussing. their sexual history or how they could. have stumbled on it and the thing is. like we had had that talk before. they seemed very transparent and open.
With me and by the time that we were you. know exclusive and like together. we weren’t always using protection you. know and i’m fine to admit that you can. still get it with protection but i. trusted this person there were many many. flags i had ignored and there was no. reason to trust them if anything it was. the opposite so. once you know it was clear they had it i. actually felt some comfort in that. because i was like okay we both at least. have it we don’t have to worry. and i’m gonna be honest that’s part of. the reason i stuck with that. relationship deep down. even though i also did truly think i. loved them and wanted to be with them. but like. i was just like i can’t imagine. going out into the dating world with. this and like. it was like kind of a trauma bond like. they have it too i don’t have to worry.
With them even if they gave it to me. like maybe it was an accident so like i. went ahead with my. my couple months visit and that turned. into seven months that i was living with. them. because it was around the time the. pandemic hit and like i felt safer. staying and i was also just so. brainwashed like this was a manipulative. narcissistic person who was constantly. lying i found this out later i thought i. was in love i thought i was gonna like. marry this person towards the end of my. stay. it started being about like okay how can. i stay for good because my biggest fear. was going back home. having like. the six months of separation after. spending six months there because you. can’t just like go back and forth after. that long and them cheating on me that. was my biggest fear all the time and. through the entirety of that.
Relationship through the entirety of. that relationship i lost so much weight. because i couldn’t eat well ever i was. extremely anxious i was always feeling. so much like once i was living with them. there were so many things that were. questionable and they always had an. explanation. but i knew man i knew i knew i. just didn’t like no no yet but i knew. and i felt it with every fiber of my. being and my body was like. crying to me to pay attention crying and. i was having like more frequent. flareups at that time because i was. stressed. i was gonna leave like. animals that my ex and i shared with my. ex like. i left my business here like i was. working remotely on it but i was. considering leaving that job. i left like you know all my family and. friends like it was like a classic like. narcissistic kind of relationship where.
You get so addicted to and anxiously. attached to the person they feel like. your only source of comfort and you are. willing to isolate yourself from every. part of your life and my big thing once. there was like focusing on like i’m. gonna rebuild here i’m gonna make new. friends i’m gonna maintain. friendships with my friends back home. somehow like once i get my proper papers. like i’ll be traveling back and forth. i’ll bring my animals my ex and i had a. dog and a cat and the cat was gonna stay. with me so i was like i’m eventually. gonna come back for my cat and bring. them over and like i was delusional i. was so delusional and so the culmination. or the ending of that story is that. seven months in i was about to commit to. starting a process with lawyers to like. stay and work on getting like my visa. and i had this like i couldn’t decide.
Between two law firms um i couldn’t. afford that anyway but i was like. trying to decide between two law firms. to go with to start that process and. they went out that night and i was gonna. be like okay they’re gonna come back. we’re gonna celebrate with a bottle of. champagne because i’ll have chosen the. law firm and started that process and. like eventually we’re gonna get married. is this like what being this is being a. pisces this is a pie like beware okay. i had this voice once again that was. like check their [ __ ] check it. right now be 100 positive that you are. safe in this relationship because you. have not felt safe this whole entire. time. there have always been question marks. and sure enough luckily i had access to. their laptop i knew the password because. it was my name everything was. open.
And i discovered everything i needed to. know. and that was essentially that they had. been. like lying to me and cheating on me. through the entirety of our relationship. the whole thing. um. being so reckless. so disrespectful putting me in danger in. so many ways i was not aware of. yeah so i. did my investigative work started. packing. rented a car left the next morning came. back home went through a whirlwind of. processing and trying to heal. from that relationship. i think that my god felt that something. was off the whole time and it was right. and like. i kept worrying about that that i would. have this revelation eventually that my. gut was right and. i’m trying to fight against the. feelings and fears that i’m now. like alone in my 30s and like with. herpes and. i won’t know if they. knew they had herpes or not when i.
Listen to myself from an objective. standpoint i’m like girl. why are you questioning it but. it has been an unintentional gift to me. to deal with something that is so. ashamed and so stigmatized. i thought being a sensual guide was. gonna be a controversial thing but being. a sensual guide with herpes who helps. people. overcome their shame around herpes. through sensuality. that’s my true calling so that’s my. story i’m very active on my tick tock. i’m active on my instagram you can. connect with me on there. my website has different ways. that you can. connect with me and work with me i. already do offer sessions to help accept. your herpes i call it your love rash by. the way and i’m also introducing support. calls and i’m working on a guide like a. downloadable pdf guide that you’ll be. able to purchase to help you with a lot.