How’s it going everyone i hope you’re. doing well so in the world of christian. relationships between sermons and. podcasts and youtube videos and. books there’s a lot of information being. thrown around as far as. who to date when to date what to date. the do’s and do nots of dating and it. can all be very overwhelming. sometimes information from two different. sources is contradictory. and it can be difficult to know what to. believe or or which direction to to sort. of turn your dating life so in an effort. to streamline the flow of information. and help you pick out the book that will. best fit your needs. i read five books on christian dating. and singleness. and i am here to share with you what. those books say hopefully by the end of. this video one of them will sound. appealing to you and you will be willing.
To give it a read um. yeah so the first book i read was single. dating engaged. married by ben stewart just to show my. cards right off the bat. this is the best book out of all five. that i read. i’ve actually read this one once before. a few years ago so the book itself. is actually based on a sermon series uh. that ben did back in like 2016 or 2017. um by the same name pretty sure you can. find it on youtube or podcast apps but. the sermon series was really good and. then what he did was he just. put it in book form he added some layers. to it as. well stewart is just a master of using. illustrations to drive home points. uh like both in his sermons and in the. book. he just has a story or uh. like a movie reference or. just an anecdote that relates back to. whatever point he’s making. and they’re like funny and they’re like.
Look at the heartstrings that’s the way. that i retain information is. through illustrations so stewart is. amazing. about that the biggest takeaway from. this book that i got as far as like. dating goes is stuart’s very. easy to remember two criteria to look. for. when trying to find someone to date or. are eventually married. one character they need to be pursuing. god they need to. uh you know show wisdom that comes from. being in a relationship. with god and everything and then two. they need or the two of you need. chemistry and he specified that as like. theological chemistry. your theological beliefs social. chemistry do you get along vocational or. occupational. chemistry do you guys have similar goals. in life and then physical chemistry. are you attracted to each other in a. world where you feel like you need to.
Have a checklist. and every box needs to be checked before. you can date or marry a person and all. these things. so it really simplifies the process or. simplifies how we should. view the process and i just think that’s. really. helpful last thing about this book is. for every. stage for um whether you’re single. dating engaged or married. he provides a case study a biblical case. study of. a character in the bible who was in that. stage of a relationship. so for um singleness he wrote about paul. and it’s not just like he wrote vaguely. about paul or the fact that paul was. single but he like took. a very specific passage in first or. second timothy. and he just broke down um like eight. points from this very narrow passage on. how paul modeled godliness in his. singleness. and he does that for every um for every. stage so when it’s tempting to feel like.
The bible is irrelevant especially in. like the world of relationships. stewart expertly brings it back around. so like shows how it is still. very relevant for us today um how the. characters in the bible were real people. and they went through. you know relatively speaking not dating. or engagement necessarily but they went. through the same processes that we go. through. today and uh yeah it’s just. it’s so good if you only read one book. off this list. i would recommend that you read this one. but also like i said if you don’t feel. like reading the book the podcasts or. the sermon series that the book is based. on. it’s on the internet somewhere so if. you’re more inclined to to listen. a lot of the same information is on that. and i would recommend reading that. or listening to that as well 10 out of. 10 book.
Highly recommend the next book i read. was outdated by jonathan. j p pacluda this book is a lot different. than single dating engaged married. jp’s objective with this book was to. confront 11 or 12. different dating myths. that exist in our culture today um. stuff like you know falling in love at. first sight to have to. cohabitate with my boyfriend or. girlfriend before i can get married to. them we. need to have sex before we get married. to know for compatible. all these different myths that you know. are pretty common. commonly held beliefs in our culture. today especially among people who aren’t. christians. every chapter he addresses one of those. myths. and replaces it with a biblical truth. uh which is really good jp was. definitely the man to write a book like. this. because he’s very um confrontational. with his words.
He’s pretty bold and he’s pretty um. unapologetic in his in his wording. he knows what the truth of the bible is. and he doesn’t. really give any sort of ground to anyone. else. in that sense which is good i could see. some readers being. put off by how uh bold he is with his. words. but i think it’s important and i think. that. in a sense if if you or someone you know. holds to a lot of the beliefs that he. addresses um. that this would be a good book for them. to read of the five books i read. this would be the one i would recommend. to someone who. is not a christian or if you have a. friend who’s not a christian and you. want to recommend a book on. relationships to them. i would recommend this one one it’s i. think it came out. this year in 2021 so it’s just. uh very recent but it just reads as if. like jp is having a.
Is having a debate in contrast to ben. stewart’s. character in chemistry being the two. things to look for when looking for. someone to. date uh jp’s approach is much. more stripped down even he says here’s. what you do this is probably my single. best piece of dating advice so grab your. highlighter here it comes. if you’re a man think of the godless. single woman you know. and ask her out on a date that’s it so. for jp. chemistry is more of a nonfactor as far. as getting the. ball rolling in a relationship like. straight up. don’t look for chemistry at all in a. sense. just look for character look for. godliness. and then ask that person out it does. again. further simplify sort of the process and. like all the questions running through. someone’s mind when they’re looking for. someone to date he makes it very simple.
As part of his again sort of bold. unapologetic. confrontation to myths he takes out all. of the. filler and just bare bone this is. what you do this is what you should do. so. i don’t personally agree with everything. in this book but. it is still a good book again it’s one. that i would recommend. to someone who holds a lot of the. the beliefs the myths that he addresses. it’s still it’s definitely worth your. time if you pick it up. it’s not too long and. i think i would recommend it for i. recommend it to christians and. nonchristians alike the next book i. read after that was the sacred search by. gary thomas. i like this book because one the. chapters are short so it doesn’t. feel like it took super long to get. through and two. thomas just writes like a fun uncle or. something in my opinion like. he just writes very conversationally he.
Writes he has that sort of. dad sense of humor that uh you know sort. of makes you roll your eyes but you can. appreciate. the book itself is less about who to. date. you know like in the other two books. that i’ve talked about this book has. more to do with things to. consider before marriage. while you are dating someone so it’s. still applicable to. single people but it’s more geared. towards. people who are already in a dating. relationship and i think the book is. meant to be read like together. so you sort of go through this list of. things to. consider before marrying. goals in life your significant others. parents your own parents who will. eventually one day be the grandparents. of your. children character qualities to look for. in. each other the book assumes a few things. like how that you know. that you are familiar with the biblical.
Their thing is it’s a very romantic very. erotic relationship. then there’s uh he has like the cookbook. couple where. one or both partners is really focused. on the relationship. following a recipe almost like you need. this at this time you need this at this. time and he just brings a lot of things. to the table to consider. in a partner um just as far as. someone you want to commit the rest of. your life to to spend the rest of your. life. with this chapter i just think it’s. really helpful and. and it’s it’s one that you would want to. go through. if you are in a relationship it’s one. that you would want to go through with. your partner. and it would hopefully get you more on. the same page as. far as what you both want in marriage. i will say that you know like with the. last book outdated. jp sort of swung in one direction as far.
As like. chemistry incompatibility being of no. consequence. as at least in the initial stages of. like looking for. a romantic partner um you know he was. all about. character being the most important thing. or like the only important thing at. least in the beginning. but i think thomas in this book swings. in the other direction. you know perhaps a bit too far like the. whole. book is like i said things to consider. essentially like measuring compatibility. with your partner or with a potential. partner. and while i think that is important. i think it’s dangerous also to think. that you can. be 100 compatible with anyone or that. uh you know once you find. once once you find someone who is. entirely compatible with you that you. guys will have just this perfect. marriage. i think it maybe can set up for a. dangerous expectation.
Because no marriage or relationship is. going to be perfect i think if you put. too much weight on you know. compatibility as a factor in. looking for a partner or in marrying. someone then. that can be dangerous waters but. if you practice wisdom if you. acknowledge the fact that you know this. all comes with an asterisk next to it. which is that the person that you are. going to marry one day is not perfect um. this is a very solid book to read good. book. highly recommend it book number four. that i read was not yet married by. marshall seagal. truth be told i don’t have much to say. about this book for. all intents and purposes it is a good. book but it. it was not a good book for me. i’ll say well the title not yet married. you know implies. the objective for this book which is. more addressing. singleness as opposed to like how today.
Did it. more about how to be single and how to. prepare for a dating relationship. and it does a good job in that i would. recommend it to. someone who is looking to. grow in relationship wisdom how to be. single better how to date better but. also just for someone who’s. new to the christian faith in general. because. a lot of the chapters in this book. seagal. he’ll give some form of advice in. how to be single or how to date better. but the advice. boils down to read your bible. be in community pray. all these things which are super. important things and it’s like it’s good. advice. but for me i was kind of underwhelmed. reading your bible and praying to me. that was not. new information or was not. groundbreaking information but. for someone who is new to the faith. very early on in their faith they’re. looking for a book to bridge.
The gap between relationships and. spiritual disciplines in general. this would be an excellent book for them. the only other thing i would say about. this book is that. seagal he said it in here. he said he wrote 80 to 90 percent of the. book. while he was single so he. he got married by the time the book was. published. but he had written most of it while he. was single and. for some people that would. be a good reason to read the book i know. and you know i’m guilty of this too. like people who give advice on you know. singleness or be like singleness as a. gift the people who say those. things are usually people who are. married or dating or something and. you’re just kind of roll your eyes like. yeah i don’t really want to listen to. you because you’re not actually in my. shoes right now and the last three books.
I mean they’re all about. dating more than singleness but they. were all written by married men. um so just for someone who’s looking for. more credibility as far as. writing about singleness because they. are single that’s the case with. not yet married it was not the best book. for me. and that’s okay um but. for someone who is newer to the faith or. someone who is. who who really is looking for yeah that. tie. between um more of the core disciplines. of the faith and how those apply to. relationships. this would be an excellent book for you. so uh. yeah that’s that’s kind of what i took. away from. not yet married and the last book i read. was i kiss dating goodbye. by joshua harris i picked this one a. little bit more tonguein-cheek. this book is sort of notorious um. but i was curious to hear what it had to. say.
This book came out in 1997 so it’s as. old as me. i should caveat that anything i say. about this book that’s like. negative has already been said by joshua. hares. he he rescinded the book from. publication a few years ago. he made public statements apologizing he. made a documentary. um sort of about his journey through. writing the book in the. aftermath of it and and he so. any sort of criticism i have were. already made by the author. and have been made by thousands of other. people but. um anyway i’ll say. that probably. 70 of this book. is not bad in my opinion harris he wrote. this when he was like. 23 or 22 something like that and. he was single as well at the time of. writing um. i think there’s a lot of wisdom in this. and i think that if you have discernment. and the ability to really know what. is biblical and what is more just.
Personal preference then. you know you could take away some some. wisdom from this book this book is not. just an entire. piece of propaganda or whatever it. really does contain good. biblical information uh and perspectives. that. i think are valuable in that had value. um to the generation that really. latched on to this book but you know the. book is. problematic in some other areas. well it’s problematic in some areas and. then just kind of in my opinion. irrelevant in others. i kissed any goodbye was one of the. chief propagators of. purity culture back in the 90s. early 2000s purity culture being just. kind of an. over emphasis on sexual purity. not living with the shame of. having had sex or or. whatever before marriage and and so that. movement you know. i i think it was probably started with. good intentions but.
There was a much greater focus on a much. more legalistic. view of how you um conduct yourself and. how you. use your body versus the grace of. the gospel not that harris doesn’t. acknowledge grace in his book. but uh compared to how much. he talked about how the shame you would. feel if you. if you didn’t save yourself for marriage. would just be. a chain that you carry around with you. for the rest of your life. that’s just not a gospelcentered. approach. to to sex or to relationships so if you. had any intentions of reading this book. i would just encourage you to. be aware that although yes it is um. noble and biblical to save yourself for. marriage that. if you if you haven’t you know. um then you know grace is so much. more powerful and should be so much more. prominent in your life than. shame and and just guilt.
That you would feel because of that as. far as just. the book coming down to some personal. preference. the idea of kissing dating goodbye the. reason harris. kissed stating goodbye was because. dating was. created too much of a temptation to have. premarital sex. um which i wouldn’t. argue with that too much because i think. culturally that. is a reality but he replaces. dating his philosophy he replaces it. with courtship. which may. i just don’t think it’s i think it’s. kind of just dating with more steps. the second to last chapter in the book. is where he breaks down. his formula for advancing to marriage. without. dating and the steps. are you know once you’ve found a person. is. the steps are casual friendship deeper. friendship. purposeful intimacy with integrity. and engagement casual friendship to. deeper friendship.
You know i agree with that i as i said. in my. dating apps video my history just with. my personal relationships is like. i i for me personally i need to be a. friend. i need to be friends with a girl before. i can. date her like that’s just how i develop. trust and how i develop. um that connection and. i think probably for a lot of people. that’s how it is so i agree with that. but then his his third step purposeful. intimacy with integrity the way he. explains it is two people. you and the other person you both. just pray and you talk to the counsel. about this other person about like oh. should i. should i marry them could i spend the. rest of my life with them. and you but you do that independent of. each other so. you do that without actually. acknowledging your feelings for the. other person. because if you prematurely acknowledge.
Your feelings then that could lead to. intimacy um which would spiral into. you know things you don’t want and i. just think that’s. a pretty big exaggeration. of how that process usually works. at least for me like it could be. different for other people but he just. makes it sound like any. acknowledgment of feelings is. a slippery slope to premarital sex. which i disagree with and i just think. that’s poor communication if you just. are literally praying about god should i. marry this person but you have not. you’ve not spoken with that person about. mutual attraction or just anything. that’s just very poor communication and. that’s that’s not how. relationships anywhere else develop. i just think it’s backwards and then and. then that stage advances to the two of. you. do technically become sort of an item. but you still continue to not spend.
Too much alone time together and you. have a lot of oversight from. parents or like mentors in your life and. at that point. he doesn’t call it dating but it is. dating it’s like. you’re just you’re dating with some. added supervision. which is fine there’s an attempt to be. edgy by. like cutting out the word dating. but then you just kind of go right back. to dating anyway. i don’t know i just i think it’s kind of. funny. honestly it’s not something that i would. do if it works. if it works for you if it works for. someone you know or or like. that those are the necessary steps you. need to take in order to. avoid sexual sin then. go for it but you know it’s not for me. i will not be kissing dating goodbye. anytime soon. as far as recommendations go this would. obviously be one that i would. not recommend like i said there is.
Good in it but with the knowledge that. there are better books out there. i would just say skip this one. also the author straight up doesn’t want. people reading it anymore so. the author doesn’t want anyone to read. it anymore but he also isn’t a christian. anymore and he got a divorce from his. wife. so that’s too bad anyway i kissed it and. goodbye. there’s better stuff out there. that’s it five books on christian dating. and singleness. i learned a lot hopefully you learned. something too. um i yeah i really hope that one of the. five. you know one of the four books that i. recommended. uh i hope one of them stood out to you. and that. you pick it up because you will be. wiser and better prepared for um a godly. marriage. by reading it or by reading one or all. of them. let me know if you’ve read any of them. or if i.