Books To Read While Dating

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So after a breakup i decided that i was. going to read the top. 50 books on love and books on. relationships. and i was going to do it over the last. year in particular now we’re here near. the end of the year. and i managed to get through about half. i had a lot on my plate. but i figured i would share what my. three biggest lessons were. because i know this is such an important. part of life and it’s something that. many of us struggle with. quite a lot hey guys alex hein author of. the book on habits master the day. now down below this video i’ve included. a free journaling prompt. if you’d like to figure out how to. design your dream life that journaling. prompt. right below this video can help you do. that and figure out what you want. so the first lesson that i learned here. and i want to keep these all brief.

Because i can talk forever. is that relationships have to be about. selfknowledge. and that you can’t be in a relationship. to fill any kind. of void now let me explain a bit more. when you look at people’s relationships. or how about this think of the most. messed up person you know i know this. sounds terrible. but think about that one friend you have. who cannot get his life together. he can’t pay his rent he can’t keep a. job he can’t take care of his health. he has no friends he’s always unhappy. now imagine. you take that person duplicate him. but a female and now two people who. cannot. have their life together they don’t have. to crap together now they’re dating. now imagine all the problems this friend. has and all the problems his girlfriend. has. and you put him together what do you get. you get a black hole of just a.

Right that’s the only word for it you. get just complete. messiness the first thing i’ve noticed. is that. you have to avoid unconscious patterns. unconscious loving. now there’s a great book by gay. hendricks called conscious loving. and what this book really made me think. about. was that if you ever get into a. relationship to fill. any kind of void you’re already. creating problems so here are a few. things you can think about. are you in a relationship because you’re. afraid of being alone. are you in a relationship because you. want regular sex. are you in a relationship because you. need financial security or you really. want kids. are you dating that person because of. status beauty. money prestige or because they’re cool. are you dating that person because they. have what you don’t have. in your own life they have fun their.

Variety their danger. their novelty their stability their. sweetness their selfcare. or you dating someone to fill. some kind of hole on any level and i’m. not saying it means you can never be. dependent on another person because. humans are designed to be in pairs we. are not designed to be single or to be. alone. but are you trying to fill some kind of. hole. is that person your addiction and the. second thing is are you trying to. replace a parental dynamic. are you the woman who’s dating those. highpowered ambitious guys. who are never home because your dad was. exactly like that. and you don’t even realize it’s so. comfortable because you’re dating your. dad. but what you really want is a guy who’s. going to be home at five every night for. dinner. so avoiding the traps of unconscious. loving now your prompt for this first.

Point. is is this person filling a void. and what do i have to work on to be. whole the second thing i’ve learned is. that. you really have to like the other person. now i know that sounds obvious. but i heard this thing from marissa peer. the psychologist. she said that you need to have for a. relationship best friend chemistry. sexual chemistry and mutual respect. and beyond that what you really need is. shared values or a shared vision. and i’ve heard people myself included. say the dumbest things. about what they have in common with a. person like. oh my god we both love salted peanut. butter ice cream. oh my god we both love corgis or. oh my god we both loved going to iceland. like that’s really gonna build a. relationship like that’s really. something special. unique that’s important and valuable for. a longterm relationship.

The things that people often don’t think. about are. five years out what are the traits when. all the passion has gone all the. excitement all the freshness. they’re just another person there by you. every day they don’t arouse any strong. feelings. what are the traits you wish they would. have what are their family values. what is their work ethic what is their. personality like or their friendliness. what is their patience tolerance what is. their. approach towards kids or towards. building a community. what do they want from life thinking. about really the fundamental. character and value traits you want that. person to have. regardless of the passion or the. feelings that’s what’s gonna be here in. five or ten years. but when you focus on the feelings which. inevitably are gone. to a certain degree after a period of.

Time. when the feelings leave you think this. is the end because you mistake that. liking for the lusting. now your prompt for this idea is there. was this great quote by an actor i wish. i could remember it exactly. but the gist was it’s easy to feel in. love. when you’re on a trip in hawaii with. someone. but the real test is did you love that. five hour flight. to hawaii with the person so in other. words relationships are made up. of the mundane moments every day do you. really. really really like those if you never. had anything sexual happen with this. person. the last thing is this idea of. relationships are not about what you can. get. they’re about what you can give and i. know it sounds so unsexy. but going into a relationship if you are. a healthy independent. noncodependent person with their own. life the most valuable thing you’ll ever.

Do i’ve learned. is dedicate your life to making that. person happy. and helping them reach their full. potential in life if that is your. affirmation your intention. your wedding vow then how could that. person not. be in the best relationship ever your. goal not as a codependent person who has. no life but as an independent healthy. person. your goal is to have your own life and. make sure your goal in that relationship. is to make their existence. as amazing as you can to the day they. die having that. contributioncentered life has been one. of the biggest lessons i’ve learned. that in my life if i focus on helping. the viewer the listener get the results. or change their life. if i help the woman i’m dating just live. an absolutely amazing existence. then and you’ve done all the other work. you’ve avoided the unconscious patterns.

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Then. there’s not that much you have to worry. about because even if things don’t work. out. you have the right focus and your focus. was to learn things that mattered. and was not on being a taker it was not. on trying to extract and. fill a void and be needy but you’re a. whole person. trying to help another whole person. reach their full potential so the prompt. i’ve learned for this last one is am i. entering into a longterm relationship. still because there’s something. unresolved or some loneliness or some. dependence i have. is it because it’s something i need to. get or is it because i want to find the. right match. the best match possible and i want to. make their life as frigging amazing as. possible. are you guys those are my three. realizations of course i could probably. shoot 50 videos probably two on each.

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